When the holidays feel heavy: setting boundaries without guilt
You arrive at your third family gathering already tired. The calendar has been full for weeks. There’s tension around the table, money on your mind, and an unspoken expectation that you’ll push through because it’s the holidays and that’s what you’re “supposed” to do.
For many people, the holiday season is a mix of joy, connection, and sometimes stress. Between traditions, family expectations, and social obligations, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially during the holidays when you don’t want to let anyone down. But boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about protecting your time, energy, and well-being, so you can actually enjoy what matters most.
One reason boundaries feel especially hard during the holidays is because they’re tied to meaning. Saying no to a dinner, a trip, or a tradition can feel like saying no to love or belonging. Guilt often shows up—not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you care. And while guilt usually fades, resentment has a way of sticking around long after the season ends. So how do you actually start setting a boundary?
Healthy boundaries start before the conversation with anyone else. Take time to get clear with yourself: What’s important to me this year? What feels doable, and what doesn’t? For example, you might realize that attending every family gathering leaves you drained, but showing up for one or two meaningful events feels manageable. Maybe hosting a big dinner isn’t realistic this year, but hosting a potluck is. Boundaries aren’t about changing someone else’s actions or behaviours; they’re about knowing your own limits and being willing to honour them.
When it’s time to communicate a boundary, empathy matters. You can acknowledge why something is meaningful to someone else while still protecting your own needs. That might sound like saying, “I know this tradition means a lot to you, and I really value our time together. This year, I have a lot of events happening so I’m going to skip the overnight stay, but I’d love to come by for a couple hours.” When you’re clear about your reasoning, it often leads to better outcomes, even if the other person doesn’t fully understand or agree.
If a boundary isn’t respected, that doesn’t mean it failed. Setting a boundary may mean following through with action, like leaving earlier than planned, declining the invite, or gently restating your limit if it’s pushed. While this may feel uncomfortable, consistency is what helps boundaries stick and protects your needs in the long run.
Your time and energy are important. Think of your calendar as something limited—like a plate at a buffet. When it’s overloaded, nothing is enjoyable. Protecting space for rest, quiet, or simply doing less can make the moments you do say yes to feel more meaningful.
At the end of the day, boundaries don’t ruin holidays. They’re often what saves them and makes them more enjoyable. If navigating family dynamics, guilt, or expectations feels overwhelming, counselling can help you explore what matters most and how to move forward with confidence.
Information for this blog was provided by registered social worker, Denis Sushkin. Learn more about our counsellors.