Season 3, Episode 22: How to protect your time, money, and energy this holiday season
The holidays can be meaningful and memorable—but they can also be exhausting. Between family expectations, packed calendars, gift exchanges, and tighter budgets, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.
In this episode, counsellor Denis Shushkin shares practical strategies for managing holiday stress and maintaining healthy relationships.
Denis shares how to:
Set boundaries with family around gatherings, conversations, and routines
Talk about money and gift-giving when finances are tight
Figure out how to blend or re-imagine traditions when you’re sharing the holidays with a partner and extended family
Protect your time and be realistic about how much you can take on
Talk to kids about changes in a way that keeps the season warm, steady, and reassuring
If the holidays tend to leave you drained, this conversation provide tools to help you navigate the season with ease.
-
Katherine Hurtig
Welcome to Living Fully. Each episode is a chance to talk about mental health in a way that's simple, honest, and helpful. We'll share stories, tips, and tools to help you feel supported and feel your best. I'm your host, Katherine Hurtig.
The holidays can be wonderful, but they can also be a lot. Between family gatherings, gift expectations, packed calendars and stretched budgets, it's easy to feel pulled in every direction. In this episode, I'm joined by counsellor Denis Shushkin from Calgary Counseling Centre to talk about what healthy boundaries look like this time of year. How to protect your time, energy, and money without feeling guilty.
…
So today we are talking about family expectations, protecting your time and energy, and sticking to a budget, navigating traditions with a partner, all those kinds of things. And I'm joined by counsellor Denis Sushkin from Calgary Counseling Centre. Thanks for being here.
Denis Sushkin
Good to be here.
Katherine Hurtig
Let's start off by talking about boundaries with families during this time.
Denis Sushkin
Sure.
Katherine Hurtig
I mean, holidays, it can bring people together for sure, but it can also bring up tension. You know, you're not going to always get along 100% with everybody in your family. And so, you know, setting boundaries with these people, why does that feel especially hard to do that around this time of year?
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. You will not get along with everyone 100% of the time. That's just a give in. And I think holidays come wrapped in a little bit of nostalgia, family pressure, tradition. And all of a sudden, like, you're not saying no to a trip or a dinner. You're saying no to, I don't know, like a grandma's pie.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
Or something even more sacred and special for your family.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, yeah.
Denis Sushkin
Plus if you add a bit of that cultural expectation that holidays need to be magical and it's full of togetherness.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, there's so many expectations around this time.
Denis Sushkin
Sure. And if you put all of those expectations together, it's almost like you're breaking the rules of Christmas.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
So that's tough.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. And what are some common situations where people might need to set boundaries with family during holidays?
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, there are a lot of them. Sometimes it's boundaries around time together, dinners. Sometimes it's about saying no to a trip that feels exhausting or too expensive. Sometimes it's about protecting your decisions around kids' routines, like food, gifts, bedtimes. Sometimes it's about saying no to conversations that usually end up in a big, nasty conflict like politics.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, why do we find it so tough to say no to family, whether that's traditions or like we said, expectations. Yeah, why is that so tough even when that's not really working for us anymore?
Denis Sushkin
Well, I think traditions are connected with love and togetherness and belonging. And that's where it comes with some guilt. It's almost like you're feeling guilty for saying no. But it's important to remember that you're feeling guilty not because you're doing something wrong, but because you care about others.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, that's true. It's a good way to think of it.
Denis Sushkin
Right. Yeah. It's like the around holidays, especially the amount of guilt you feel usually is connected to how much you care about others.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
And the other thing to remember is guilt fades away. But what usually lingers is the resentment and boundaries always come with a cost. And it's up to us to decide, do you want to pay a little bit of cost with that guilt?
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Denis Sushkin
Or do you want to pay the bigger cost of resentment that will fill the whole holiday? Maybe even like spills over into the new year and other relationships. So it's a balance.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. Okay, let's get into that a bit. You know, if we've decided, okay, I want to set this boundary and this holiday event, I don't want to have a conversation with this person about their political beliefs, you know, or, you know, I have to set a boundary here because I can't go to this event. My friend wants me to because it's going to cost too much money or something. How do you suggest kind of setting those boundaries in, you know, the most respectful way?
Denis Sushkin
Well, I think like it's helpful to break it down into something more tangible and manageable. People think about boundaries. People usually think about like how to say something, how to say no and all other things. I think it's important to talk about other two steps. So first, before you say anything, before you manage that conversation with anyone else, you have to articulate it to yourself. Like be very clear on what's important to you. What do you want to say or do? Because boundaries are never about other people. Boundaries are always only about what you're willing or not willing to do or say. And be able to accept it as like, hey, that's me. That's important to me. And that's an important step before you even go to someone and say something. Like, are you clear? Are you okay to be in your own skin with that view?
Katherine Hurtig
Kind of knowing why this boundary is important to you.
Denis Sushkin
Why it's important to you. What is the boundary? Where is that line? What's okay? What's not okay? Because that's the first step. And that's really important. So if you want to set those boundaries, so I think it's really important to be really clear and be able to accept that's okay. That can come with pressure and guilt and all other things, but it's okay. It's the reflection of who I am, what's important to me right now, what's important to my family. And that's the first important piece of setting that boundary. And I think another overlooked part of setting good boundaries is your ability to actually empathize with the other person who you talk to.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, yeah.
Denis Sushkin
And what I mean by that is like your ability to see the world through their lens and see why they want to cross the boundary, why they want to push for something. It doesn't mean that you need to agree with them as long as you can articulate and see what's important for them.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. And understand where they're coming from as well. Yeah. I'm just thinking of like my own boundaries that I try to set. And I think that's definitely something that I overlook and should spend more time doing.
Denis Sushkin
And I think it's never a guarantee that people will respect. But when they think even about those conversations about politics and everything. So being able to start that conversation, like, hey, I see you. I know where you're coming from. I know what's important to you. And then add that boundary. And at the same time, like this season, I just like, I want to stay away from those conversations. That makes it for a better start.
Katherine Hurtig
And if there's a scenario where you attempt to set these boundaries and this other person you're setting it with, they don't understand. or respect that boundary, what's a good way to respond?
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, families especially can be messy.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
And it's not so straightforward. I think separating your ability to set good boundaries from the outcomes is really important because you can set a really good boundary and the person will not understand, they'll not respect it. And that becomes like it's the second round of setting those boundaries. So if you communicated them and they responded the way they responded, so what does it mean to you? What do you want to do next? If they said no to and they keep talking about politics, well, that's an opportunity for you to set that, kind of go back and revisit. So it's still important to me. I want to stay clear of those conversations. They want to talk. So does it mean that you want to limit the amount of time you want to spend there? Does it mean that you want to sit at a different side of the table and create a bit of distance while being still, again, kind and respectful and clear about what's going on? So that's just when people don't respond the way you want to, again, your boundaries are yours. And it's an opportunity for you to go back and revisit review. So what does it mean for me and what do you want to do next?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, that's the tough part because we can only control ourselves and our own actions. And yeah, I mean, it's you want to think like this person is family. They are going to, you know, respect and care about me and follow through on this boundary but we can't control that and that doesn't always happen.
Denis Sushkin
Right. Well, and we need to be mindful of like all the stories that we're telling ourselves. Like are they doing what they're doing because they don't care, because they don't respect, because they are very passionate about something? Because there can be a lot of ways how we can interpret what people do.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure.
Denis Sushkin
So being mindful as well of like how we interpret the people's actions.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, not just making our assumptions, but what else could be true in that scenario. Yeah. So another big part of the holidays for a lot of people is the financial stress that comes with that. So that could be the pressure to attend lots of parties. It could be gift giving. There's just a lot that comes up around that time. And especially now, I mean, finance are even more so on people's minds. So how can people set financial boundaries without feeling like they're maybe disappointing other people?
Denis Sushkin
I think it comes in that package of like making Christmas magical and full of togetherness.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, we expect it to be that way.
Denis Sushkin
And usually we see money as a means to get there. We buy a big enough gift if we spend enough time, if we go to enough parties that are magical and beautiful. If we have enough, I don't know what's the ugly sweaters to enjoy this season. But I think probably starting before the holiday season starts, like being mindful and kind of like and decide like what's what's OK for you this season, because it will change what happened, what works for you this year might not work for you next year. Yeah. And you might need to cut down more or you can we will be able to spend more. So being clear and respectful and things to people ahead of time. Hey, that's what's going on. That's what's what I'm planning to do. So people can adjust those expectations. And if I'm honest, I'm willing to bet when people start articulating those things, financial stressors are real. I think 99.9% of people will just like have like sigh of relief because they're dealing with the same thing.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, for sure.
Denis Sushkin
And everyone is kind of like competing in this, whose Christmas is more magical. And when people are clear and kind with one another and respectful and say things, I think, yeah, people understand more than we are willing to give them credit for.
Katherine Hurtig
And like you said, it comes back to expectations again. So if you, like you said, plan beforehand and set your own expectations, like this is what my limits are. This is how much I can spend. This is how many, you know, events I can go to. That kind of helps.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, well, and overall, like, I think money, sex and death are three topics that are hardest to talk about. So it's okay to expect that those conversations can be awkward. You might feel like, I don't know how to say it. And just talking about money is hard. It's full of tension. And because we, it's like, it's not just about money. It's the meaning we're assigned to the money. And of course, what's what comes with, again, comes with a big novel of like what it means to us.
Katherine Hurtig
So, I mean, everyone's holiday is going to be different. the amount of people they need to buy for or the expectations around that. So what are some ways to say no to, I don't know, things like gift exchanges or expensive outings or buying a lot of stuff without awkwardness or that guilt you were talking about?
Denis Sushkin
Well, one thing that people can do is to add some playfulness into this conversation and maybe decide on who are those important people and maybe together come up with a list or like given ideas for how they can spend less money but at the same time really enjoy time with each other yeah so it can be like a little jar with a lot of post-it notes like one post-it note can say uh handmade gifts only or the funniest gift under ten dollars or experiences over gifts and make that jar together and then at the end of the evening pick something
Katherine Hurtig
I love that.
Denis Sushkin
… it will be just like again like because a lot of that guilt pressure comes from like people wanting to spend time together connect celebrate each other and make it special so if you see that as a goal and then you it's open opens up a lot of opportunities yeah money just like it's one of the options how people get get there but if you can create more ways to get to the same place people people enjoy it and it can be fun
Katherine Hurtig
Or ways to have that that connection.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah sure yeah like getting the family together before the holiday starts and let's do something different today we want this and that's that comes from the kind of like if you can empathize you can if you can understand where people are coming from if you know that the party means togetherness or the gifts means valuing each other treat that as a goal and what are the different means to get there.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah that makes me think of kind of my own perception of the holidays and like you're saying like you know the stories that we create like my intention is good I always to get gifts for the people I care about because I want to make them happy. And, you know, I have it in my head. If I spend more money, it means I care about them more. But that's, yeah.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah. Well, and usually going back to the beginning of the conversation about traditions, traditions are there to serve that kind of like this idea, like valuing each other, making something more concrete. But at the same time, traditions are there to serve people, not the other way around. And if you feel drained, exhausted, you feel all this pressure, maybe it's a sign that some of those traditions need to be re-evaluated, revisited.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, switch it up.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, but keep the spirit of it. Keep the special elements that you're talking about.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure. And how can we kind of work towards shifting? I mean, like you said, the traditions can change. How can we shift the focus away from spending and towards connection, especially in, you know, friend groups or families where gifts are kind of a big deal?
Denis Sushkin
It can be a really hard conversation to start with the family. But I think it's like when you when I think about the family, there is no one person who owns that process of like people connecting.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
So starting a conversation and they're like, hey, that's what I've been thinking about. That's what's been on my mind. And inviting people to share the responsibility of shifting that focus to something else can be a way to do it. Because, again, it's an impossible job for one person. But if you invite others, again, and it can be family, it can be a work event with the team that you work the most. Getting together and saying, well, how do we want to spend this season together? How do we want to celebrate?
Katherine Hurtig
And that in and of itself, figuring that out together, that's a great way to connect.
Denis Sushkin
Well and it's a sign that you care that you're thinking about them yeah uh that's the again like a gift is usually is what like it's a sign that someone cares about you that they're thinking about you they want to connect so if you start this conversation well you're important people in my life yeah and it doesn't again family co-workers uh people you want to learn together in school doesn't matter what the context is like but if you start that conversation it tells people are like, oh, this person is actually, they care, they want to do it.
Katherine Hurtig
So, I mean, money, it's definitely, there's a limit to it around the holidays. But time is also one of the things that we don't have an infinite amount of. And, you know, I think for a lot of people, there is that pressure to say yes to everything around this time of year. You know, whether that's family dinners or New Year's parties or whatever that may be. So how do you recommend people kind of protect their time and energy during the holidays?
Denis Sushkin
I think with any kind of boundaries, the hardest shift for people to have is to shift from like what others are doing or expecting of me and kind of like what's important to me? What do I want to? Because if I'm honest, like if only other people can just like know what I want, know what I'm thinking, know all the stressors I'm going through, life would be so much easier.
Katherine Hurtig
It would. Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
And, but unfortunately, people cannot do that for me. So that's what it goes back to kind of like, so what's important to me? Yeah. How can I be mindful of the limited time that I have? Ask myself like, what's important for me this season? I think sometimes it's helpful to maybe kind of think of your time as something more concrete. It's like, well, your time, your calendar is like a plate at a buffet. The more you put on that plate, the less you will enjoy the food that you have. Yeah. But also like be mindful that it has a limit. At some point, things will start falling off that plate. I mean, maybe that's what you want. Or maybe you want to have a different kind of experience of that buffet. So treat your calendar as something limited. It's something tangible. It can be like blocking off that time for others. Also important to include yourself in that list of people who need something. Like block off some time for you to breathe, to rest. Doesn't matter how extroverted or introverted you are. I think it's important just to have a bit of time to slow down too. So treat that calendar, treat that time as something very tangible and limited. And come up with a metaphor that works for you. That's actually, that's the plate. And I have too much on my plate. Or use your actual physical calendar in your phone as a block off time, block off time. And then at some point you'll run out of space on your calendar. And that's a good sign that, well, maybe it's, you have too much.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. Yeah. And I like the idea of like actually putting rest in your calendar, like whether that's, you know, a workout, a time alone, whatever that looks like. If it's actually in your calendar, I think you're more apt to commit to that.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah. Well, and it's like that rest is like is what makes that time with others actually more meaningful and more fun. Like even like actually we're talking about exercise, like it doesn't matter how much you love going to the gym. It's good to be there, but then the time away, the rest, that was what actually allows you to go back to the gym and do more, be more fit, add more weight.
Katherine Hurtig
And I think with all these boundaries, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there's a certain amount of just self-acceptance that comes with it because you have to be okay with the outcome at some point. Like you can set these boundaries like, sorry, friend, I'm not going to come to this event. They might be disappointed, but you have to be okay that it was the right decision for yourself.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, accepting at the end of the day, those boundaries are connected to the values that we have. Yeah. It's not about choosing between good and bad values. It's like it's you're choosing among like 10 different good values. And at some point, it's just like it's they have to choose.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. Something that comes up definitely with couples is around the holidays is merging traditions. You know, as we grow up with our own families, traditions are built and they can become really meaningful. But if you get together with another person, they come in with their own set of traditions that are meaningful to them. So that can be tricky. What advice do you have for couples navigating those different expectations?
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, it is really tricky. And it comes with all that, all the things that we talked about. All those traditions are wrapped into values, traditions, nostalgia, memories, a lot of things. So I think one important piece is like maybe even reframing things from we're merging something to like we're creating something new.
Katherine Hurtig
Okay.
Denis Sushkin
And treat it as a, not as a combination of two people, but like it's a brand new thing. And treating this not as a competition, but like that's an experiment. You're trying something new. You're putting two different sets of traditions together.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
And being curious about each other because it's important maybe even like even to start like to ask those questions. What's important to you? What do you want to kind of like keep? What do I want to keep as a person too? And what do we want to create together? Because not everything needs to be shared and the same.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
They can be like a piece of like we in that tradition. Like we want to do this together. And they can be things that all the partners in the relationship can do on their own as well. So it's totally fine to have some traditions of just your own and do things away from your partner. That's also totally healthy and normal. That's why if you're not merging, you're creating something.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure. Yeah. I like that perspective a lot. And then I'm sure that, you know, extended families play a part there as well with couples kind of starting their new tradition. You know, we've got two other sets. We have other sets of families that are going to have their, you know, the way that they see the holiday turning out.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, all the expectations.
Katherine Hurtig
Exactly. So how do you suggest navigating those things? I mean, I guess at the end of the day, it's everything you've been saying. Like, it's communicating, right?
Denis Sushkin
Well, it's almost like we're taking it to the next level of complexity. It starts with one person, like, identifying what's important to you. And then we move to the couple and then they are kind of like, like, like, or like the relationship and we, they identify like what's important to them together, separate. And then we're moving to the next level of all the different extended family members. And it's, I think when it comes to like a relationship versus all the expectations from the extended family, I think it's probably like people treating, like being a team, setting those expectations and setting boundaries and navigating traditions. It's a team sport. and the better people can be on the same page and present as a united front, the easier it will be. So that's one other piece of that puzzle.
Katherine Hurtig
How do we go about determining when to be flexible or more rigid with our boundaries? Like what questions do we ask ourselves? Because that is going to come up a lot. Like there's going to be times where you can't just say, this is my boundary, that's it. You have to, yeah, like I said, be a bit more flexible. So how does that work?
Denis Sushkin
Well, and it's a never ending process. All of those boundaries, they will change.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Denis Sushkin
I think the exact question that you asked is the question that needs to be asked by every single person based on their context and what's going on in their life. So what works for them this year might not work for them next year. A more rigid boundary with family when things are going well is a fair thing. But maybe sometime in the future, people are, I don't know, like sick. Something other things might be going on and people need to be more flexible with it. It's just like being mindful that your boundaries are yours and they can change and morph and it's totally okay. That's normal and goes back to like, so what's okay for you this season? What's not okay for you this season?
Katherine Hurtig
And figuring that out. Yeah. So when I think about the holidays, when I think about Christmas time, it's definitely like the experience of children, I think is a big part of it. The magic of Christmas and whatnot. If parents are, you know, if they have to set some new boundaries with extended family, whether that's with the amount of money they can spend, how can they explain that to kids without taking away from the specialness of the holidays?
Denis Sushkin
I find that kids usually respond more to the tone and how the conversation is held versus all the details okay so if parents for example present new change a new boundary is just well that's just what's happening being kind and clear and consistent that's what kids need some kids will push more some kids will push less that's just inevitable depending on what kind of kid you have but the tone of voice the how the conversation is held is way more important than the details and all the facts and all the kind of like why and kind of like so yeah that's what's going on.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, if the parents approach it really calmly and…
Denis Sushkin
Right yeah sure yeah when it's not any different than when my three-year-old doesn't want to eat broccoli he's gonna well yeah that's that's just that's on your table so.
Katherine Hurtig
That's what's yeah that's what's for dinner.
Denis Sushkin
My job is to set it there and he can push more or less all the things but the the more grounded and clear and consistent I can be the better he'll react.
Katherine Hurtig
Does that have a little to do with modeling? So it's like they're seeing how you're reacting to a situation so they're kind of going to model that back?
Denis Sushkin
Well it can be a combination of that. I feel like some of it is just like the temperament.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
If I’m honest like with my kid was like he just likes to push boundaries more than right yeah maybe he's after me maybe not um there is an element of like temperament and who the kid is there's definitely like how they see others respond to those boundaries how they see adults set those boundaries and also the history of like how do people set those boundaries in all the other settings. So before the holiday starts there's a boundary of like yeah food there's a boundary of like what time they need to be at home when they go out there is a boundary of when and how they do their homework for school so all those boundaries and how those boundaries are set and handled they also they will shape the response and those those conversations about holidays.
Katherine Hurtig
So it really, yeah, that's something that can be practiced all through the year. What would you say to someone, what would you say to a client who's afraid that setting these boundaries might ruin the holidays for them?
Denis Sushkin
I think the main thing is the boundaries don't ruin holidays. They actually rescue holidays. What's that saying? Like good fences make good neighbors.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Denis Sushkin
So being clear and consistent actually helps the holidays to be better. It goes back to this thing of like guilt will come. It's inevitable, but guilt fades away, but resentment will linger. If you do something when you actually want to say no, actually we'll come back. We'll come back during the season. We'll come back after the season is over.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Denis Sushkin
So those boundaries always come with cost. So be mindful of what kind of cost you want to pay.
Katherine Hurtig
That you're okay with.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, and you're okay with.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure.
Denis Sushkin
That's the piece. So boundaries don't ruin holidays. Depending on the situation and the life circumstance and the family, Maybe there will be a lot of pressure, a lot of guilt. And that happens too. Even in those situations, I usually think that that resentment that will stay will still be bigger than all the pressure and the guilt that people experience.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Denis Sushkin
Yeah, boundaries, they do not ruin holidays. They rescue the holidays and maybe even the whole year.
Katherine Hurtig
And Denis, what's one boundary that you think more people should consider setting during the holidays for their own peace of mind?
Denis Sushkin
I think taking some time for themselves. I think rest is not laziness. Rest is fuel that helps you do more. So deciding on like, do you need an hour? Do you need a day? Decide on what will be good enough rest this season. And treat yourself as one of the people on that list who need care and attention.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure, yeah. Well, thank you so much, Denis. And I hope you can take some time for yourself during the holidays.
Denis Sushkin
Thank you. Yeah.
Katherine Hurtig
You've been listening to Living Fully, a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Thank you for tuning in. This episode was produced by Luiza Campos, Manuel Montano, Jenna Forbes, and by me, Katherine Hurtig. A special thanks to Denis Sushkin.
To stay up to date on our latest episodes, be sure to subscribe. We're available in your favorite podcast app. Living Fully is a production of Calgary Counselling Centre and recorded in Calgary on Treaty 7 territory. Living Fully podcast is not a substitute or alternative for professional care or treatment.
Calgary Counseling Center and Counseling Alberta provide effective counseling to anyone in Alberta with no waitlist and no financial barriers. Find us online at calgarycounselling.com and counsellingalberta.com. For help across Canada and the United States, call 211. If you are outside of Canada and the U.S., seek help from your general medical practitioner.