Understanding and overcoming shame
Shame is one of those feelings that everyone experiences, yet it’s often the hardest to talk about. It can make us feel like something is wrong with us at a deep level—like we’re unworthy or broken, making it challenging to reach out for help or even acknowledge what we’re going through.
But the truth is, shame doesn’t define who you are. Understanding shame can help us navigate it, process it, and eventually use it as a tool for personal growth.
What is shame?
Shame is a complicated emotion. It’s different from guilt, even though they often get mixed up. Guilt is when you feel like “I did something bad” after a specific action, like saying something hurtful or making a mistake. Shame, on the other hand, is more about who you are. It’s the belief that “I am bad,” which can leave you feeling like you’re not good enough.
Shame can come from a mistake or failure, leading to feelings of embarrassment, inadequacy, or a fear of being judged by others. And while guilt can be event-based and eventually fade, shame has a way of sticking around, making us question our worth linger long after a situation has passed.
For many, it’s a deeply uncomfortable emotion that might be difficult to talk about with others, yet it is something everyone experiences at some point.
How does shame develop?
Shame can start early in life, especially if we grow up in environments where we're taught that mistakes mean we are flawed. Kids can have a tough time separating what they do from who they are, so if they feel bad, they might think they are bad. This can carry over into adulthood, making it difficult to shake those feelings of not being enough.
Shame can also be rooted in trauma. Experiences like witnessing domestic violence, enduring a difficult childhood, or dealing with personal loss can all contribute to the feelings of shame we carry with us. It's not always easy to separate these experiences from our identity, and this can make it hard to break free from the cycle of shame.
The cycle of shame and how it impacts mental health
The cycle of shame can be hard to break. When we feel like we've done something wrong, or we believe something bad has happened to us, it reinforces negative self-beliefs. This can lead to feelings of sadness, isolation, and even depression. This creates a cycle: the more you feel like you’re not enough, the more you withdraw. The harder it becomes to ask for help or reach out to others.
This cycle can also impact your mental health, often leading to anxiety, depression, and even more shame. It's a tough cycle, but it can be broken. Understanding where your shame comes from and recognizing it for what it is the first step in changing how you deal with it.
Moving beyond shame
The good news is, shame doesn't have to control you. One of the best ways to move beyond it is through self-compassion. Think about how you would comfort a friend who's going through something similar. You’d probably tell them they’re not alone and that they deserve kindness. Treat yourself the same way.
Therapy can also be a huge help. Mindfulness-based therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), or trauma-informed care are great tools for understanding the roots of your shame and learning ways to cope with it in a healthier way. Talking to someone you trust can also help you begin the process of moving forward.
Using shame as a tool for growth
While shame can feel overwhelming, it’s also a chance to learn and grow. Instead of seeing it as a sign that you're “broken,” try reframing it as an opportunity to practice self-acceptance. You can learn to understand your feelings, let go of perfection, and be kinder to yourself. Growth often comes from facing discomfort—and that includes facing shame.
Shame may always be part of the human experience, but it doesn’t have to run the show. You can manage it, learn from it, and move toward healing. You don’t have to go through it alone, and with the right support, you can come out stronger on the other side.
Information for this blog was provided by psychologist Lisa McIsaac. Learn more about our counsellors.
Listen to Living Fully, season 3, episode 4 – Understanding Shame