Supporting a partner with anxiety: navigating love and mental health
They’re sitting on the couch together, but it doesn’t feel close. She’s quiet, again. He’s trying to figure out what went wrong. Was it something he said? Something he didn’t say? He replays the conversation in his head, but nothing stands out. She’s been pulling away lately, or getting upset over small things. He wants to help, but every time he tries, it feels like he’s making it worse.
This is what anxiety can look like in a relationship.
It’s not always loud or obvious. Sometimes it shows up as distance, and sometimes it looks like the need for structure; wanting to plan everything, asking the same questions time and time again, or feeling unsettled when plans change unexpectedly. They aren’t trying to be difficult, they are simply trying to feel safe.
Where anxiety comes from
Anxiety is often a learned response shaped by past experiences, environments, or moments when someone didn’t feel safe or supported. It’s the brain’s way of saying, “I’ve been here before, and I need to protect myself.” But protection doesn’t always look like connection.
The good news is, what’s learned can also be unlearned. With understanding, support, and healthy boundaries, anxiety doesn’t have to drive you apart. It can be something you navigate together.
How you can help
Be present: Sometimes the best thing to say is “I’m here with you,” “We’ve got this,” or “It’s okay if this takes time.” These words don’t fix the problem, but they remind your partner they’re not alone.
Don’t fix, hold space: You don’t need to solve anything, just being there matters. Sit together, share a quiet moment, fold laundry, or take a walk. Your steady presence helps them feel safe.
Gentle support: Simple messages like “Thinking of you” or “Want to hang out? No pressure” can go a long way. If they’re stuck, gently remind them of what helps: “You said walking by the river helps. Want to try that today?” Help them shift from what’s wrong to how they’re coping.
Encourage professional help: If you think counselling might help, sharing your own story can make it feel less intimidating. Try: “Would you be open to talking to someone? It made a big difference for me.” or “I’ve heard counselling can really help.” Avoid saying things like, “You need help”. Phrases like these can feel like blame. Kind, open language creates space for real connection.
Be present, not in charge:
Support your partner by listening and being there, rather than trying to guide or solve things for them. Let them share at their own pace. You might ask, “Would you like me to just listen, or help you think through it?”
What not to say
Phrases like “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not a big deal” are often meant to help, but they can unintentionally make someone feel dismissed or ashamed.
Anxiety can already leave people feeling overwhelmed or like something’s wrong with them. Choosing words that offer support instead of solutions can go a long way.
When anxiety affects the relationship
Anxiety doesn’t always look the way we expect. Sometimes it shows up as control, like double-checking, over-planning, or micromanaging. Other times, it looks like distance, like pulling away or shutting down when things feel too overwhelming.
Often, it’s a mix of both. It’s not about being controlling or pushing people away, it’s about trying to feel safe in a world that feels uncertain.
Talk about it together. Make a plan: “When anxiety shows up, how do we want to handle it?”
And remember: this isn’t them. It’s the anxiety.
Take care of you, too
It’s natural to want to take care of the people you love – but when that care impacts your wellbeing, it can lead to burnout. Be aware of some of the ways your partner’s anxiety may be affecting you:
Their mood impacts your mood.
You feel responsible for their mental health.
You’re always tired or overwhelmed.
It’s okay to set boundaries while still showing care. You might say, “I want to support you. I’m feeling really overwhelmed tonight, can we talk about this tomorrow?”
Letting them know when you’ll come back to the conversation can be comforting. It helps them feel reassured that you’re still there for them and not just walking away. A clear timeframe creates safety for both of you.
Small words, big impact
Anxiety doesn’t have to last forever. With the right support, whether it’s professional help or simply walking through it together, it can get better.
Anxiety is a survival response, but surviving isn’t the same as truly living.
You don’t have to have all the answers. Just being there is already a powerful step toward helping them feel safe.
Information for this blog post was provided by registered social worker, Che Burnett. Learn more about our counsellors.
Take the first step and reach out for counselling today.