Season 3, Episode 12: Love Beyond the Honeymoon Stage
The early days of a relationship are often full of excitement, ease, and spark—but what happens when things settle down? In this episode, Calgary Counselling Centre counsellor Kyle Ho talks about how relationships evolve over time and what helps keep them strong. Learn how to stay close with your partner, communicate openly, and keep the relationship fresh, even when life gets busy. From navigating change to building deeper connection, this conversation offers simple, meaningful ways to support long-term love.
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Katherine Hurtig
Welcome to Living Fully. Each episode is a chance to talk about mental health in a way that's simple, honest, and helpful. We'll share stories, tips, and tools to help you feel supported and feel your best. I'm your host, Katherine Hurtig.
Today, I'm joined by counsellor Kyle Ho for a conversation on love beyond the honeymoon stage. We're talking fun, communication, and why keeping things fresh doesn't have to mean grand gestures. From everyday habits to deeper emotional safety, Kyle shares a lot of ways to stay close and connected with your partner.
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Okay, today I'm here with Kyle Ho and we're talking about relationships and dating and how to keep a strong connection after that exciting honeymoon phase. Kyle, thanks for being here today.
Kyle Ho
Thank you so much for inviting me to join this podcast. I always want to be part of the role here as well.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, we're excited to have you. So it's been a little while since you've been on. Can you tell us about yourself?
Kyle Ho
Yeah, for sure. So my name is Kyle, one of the counsellors from Calgary Counselling Centre, also running a program named Male Domestic Abuse Outreach Program, mainly working with men survivors who are suffering from domestic violence situation. So I've been with CCC for almost two years.
Katherine Hurtig
So how would you describe the term honeymoon phase? I mean, we've heard that a lot, but yeah, how would you define that?
Kyle Ho
Right. For myself, I think the honeymoon phase is talking about early stage in a relationship. It's always so a lot of fantasy, miracle, magic power from there. So feel a lot of romantic from there. Or you can see with only just, you know, excitement to see each other, have a lot of conversation easily with your partner and feels a lot of like every single moment so special with each other. For sure. So what I will describe would be why it's so special is because everything is so new, exciting and effortless.
Katherine Hurtig
Effortless?
Kyle Ho
Yeah. You know, just want to focus on everyday moment, just want to share everything with your partner. Not big thing, small, minor thing. Just want to share with them. Because like, you know, get strong connected with them. Just want to be at the moment with them all the time.
Katherine Hurtig
So as, you know, as you continue a relationship with someone, there can be a bit of a shift as the relationship progresses from that honeymoon phase. So what is this like? And why can that change kind of feel surprising to some couples?
Kyle Ho
Right. You know, so everything we talk about fantasy is over. We come back to real life situation. It's gone. So, you know, in a relationship that settles and things getting more like stable and ground, you know, so people think that, oh, what's going on? Why are the things changing a lot? My partner is not that cute anymore. You know, like more like notice about like what's going on, what will be their personality, how their interaction or like, you know, how to deal with the situation, how the differences in the conversation. Because starting more like come up to the ground, you know, what the real person looks like, how they're feeling. right so the reason why they feel so surprised about the changes is because you know the excitement is gone and everything's going back to the ground have to be settled just like normal situation not more no more fantasy have to be real again right so they may have a huge gap or like expectation differences in between there and also like the real situation came up you know the differences conflicts will be more easy more like noticeable to come up to have to face to face with your partner anymore.
Katherine Hurtig
Right
Kyle Ho
The last part will be like more vulnerable so more deeper connection it brings up you know deeper emotional risk come up as well.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah you know each other better yeah. So how can couples keep that same sense of closeness during the initial stage even when you know that excitement kind of fades?
Kyle Ho
Right so I usually invite my client or like think about something that make you feel fun you know getting some fun time you know yeah laugh together try something new um still be playful a lot of the situation you know just don't be getting bored in a relationship you're still engaging your intimacy right there right. So getting fun uh prioritize some quality time is important. Most of the people think when we get into relationship they will be more stable don't think that like we have to prioritize our partner as priorities but actually it's not so keep making some space for meaningful moments and also like some not just only feels like being a routine being special to your partners all the time.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure yeah. And that I mean it takes it takes a bit of work and that's not a bad thing you gotta yeah you've got to put in the time and the effort.
Kyle Ho
Yeah for sure yeah and also like keep communicating in the relationship not just only oh you're my partner everything's so done we should be able to keep a lot of conversation in there stay open honesty you know curious about their life or what's going on and how they feel about it and also like stay physically attraction affection on the others you know physical touch kissing hugging those are the important elements in the relationship as well.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure. So yeah and speaking of physicality what are some ways that couples can kind of keep that intimacy alive especially you know when life gets stressful busy you know got lots going on.
Kyle Ho
I would say that like you know the relationship owned by you two, right? So, you know, you can create some special moment of the thing that only you two know about it. For example, a morning coffee together, having some like bedtime cuddling, you know, and also like quick daily texting, just say, I love you. That's important to others, right? Also like scheduling some time together, you know, like don't get affected or impacted by your daily life. There are lots of stress right there already. Occupy some moment for you and your partner, just spending some meaningful time and just enjoy and relax the night.
Katherine Hurtig
Have you found like working with any clients that idea of scheduling in time - now, I can see on one hand that's important because like, you know, OK, we're going to have this time together. But on the flip side, could that, I don't know how to describe it, not like make things boring, but does it kind of take away spontaneity?
Kyle Ho
I think they may think that it just be more routine, you know, just hang out. And they're like, but that's not fun at all. It's like, oh, we just go for dinner and then done, go back home. But there's no sparkling moment from right there. You know, like even though for long years, still you're able to make fun with your partner, create some happy moments, some special moment to your partners, not just only by one person. Both sides should be creating the moments that like feel special and then being feel love in the relationship as well.
Katherine Hurtig
And I guess it would really be dependent on the couple, right? Yeah. spontaneity and that, you know, spur of the moment thing is important to the couple, then they would build that in.
Kyle Ho
Yeah, for sure. For sure.
Katherine Hurtig
So is it normal for physical or emotional intimacy to kind of ebb and flow and, you know, change in long term relationships?
Kyle Ho
Yeah, absolutely normal. In a long term relationship, that's physical and emotional intimacy will go ups and downs for over the time. It's so normal about it. It's about like the rhythm of being a human and growing with someone over time right so the key is isn't avoiding about ups and downs it's about how you can learn and generally return go back to each other how to have a better communication with other small effort and patient bring back to relationship getting better and the most key point is learn to how to reconnect again and again.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure. Yeah I don't know - I've had friends who are disappointed that they're not in the honeymoon phase anymore. I just kind of think of it like you wouldn't eat chocolate for every meal you know you get sick of it you can't have that level of excitement for your whole relationship. It's just evolved into something different not worse it's just a you're more comfortable with that person and I don't think that's a bad thing at all.
Kyle Ho
That's the reason I think that like sometimes when we all the time eating chocolate would be like too much yeah you can change a little bit but sometimes you have to bring back the memories about like the happiness for your partner as well yeah give them some surprise give the chocolate back to them again it feels like oh we are dating and we're in a relationship, it's not boring. Always think about it. Long-term relationships shouldn't be boring. It should be like happiness and also like sparkling moment from there as well.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure. Yeah, they can be comfortable, but not boring. Yeah. So you talked about how communication is really important. And as time goes on, you might get into a rut or a certain routine. In what you've seen, what are some common communication habits that couples have that might create distance with each other over time?
Kyle Ho
Right, right. So most of the time when I work with couples, they have like a lot of issues about the communication issues, right?
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Kyle Ho
They avoid about vulnerability, just holding back about their emotions or concern to their partner just by don't tell you.
Katherine Hurtig
Just not telling you?
Kyle Ho
Yeah, just don't tell. And then like just don't want to involve anymore. I just like stay away or like just escape from the room. Don't want to be like involving those.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, they're avoiding it?
Kyle Ho
Yeah, for sure. And also like being, sometimes having some passive, aggressive behavior as well.
Katherine Hurtig
What does that look like?
Kyle Ho
Indirect comments or instead of like speaking directly just teasing the others and like in a bad way so make them feel like bad and they're like you know you just make me feel upset about it but I don't want to like speak to you directly that's not good to me but so that's more harmful also like not listening actively you know just didn't understand about what they're meaning behind just like zooming out about the situation um not fully engaging in the communication with the partner as well um the most difficult and challenging part that they're facing would be like always overusing you statement just complain on your partners like you did something wrong you are the problem you're not doing great in the situation however they ignore or like you know disconnect about what they did to their partner as well yeah.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. So how do we avoid those communication habits?
Kyle Ho
I would say that like being active listening is one thing you know being engaging with the conversation with your partners importance right if you just avoid about conversation just don't worry with your partner that's not helpful and you're just damaging about the relationship as well in a relationship it should be more feeling comfortable to engage or open up so yourself to share about your own opinions right? If you're scared about it and your partner don't able to let you to express it that's a problem so I think that like for healthy communication it should be having a respectful communication way you know and also focus on the issue let's say there's something happening there and then like you two focus on about what's going on, how to fix it together as a team rather than just complaining to each other.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. It's understandable why people avoid those kind of conversations because it's uncomfortable, right? So how do you work with couples to kind of start making that more of their go-to, making it easier to bring things up with each other?
Kyle Ho
Right. That's a great question. I think that like most of the time when we talk with couples, client, I will let them to think about it. So first of all, the way we're not talking about the problem, we think about we know situation we talk about how to take advantage about the conflicts in a healthy way so we're trying to help the client to think about like to win-win conflicts rather than win this situation.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Kyle Ho
So what we've always remind them okay focus on the problem just I mentioned focus on the problem what's going on in between you and you and your partner what part that you and your partner can do better for the relationship or not just okay ping-ponging for each other.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah you're not working against each other yeah.
Kyle Ho
Yeah we are like kind of like you know let them know about you…both of you are the team, same team on the same boat. We should fix the problem together. It's not talking about, oh, you break something and you have to fix it by yourself. No, we have to do it together.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure. So what would you say the difference is between kind of healthy conflict or, you know, kind of more harmful patterns?
Kyle Ho
Right. So in a healthy conflict, like I mentioned, always have able to providing a respectful way communication with each other, able to expressing feelings to each other without attacking. Right. So another thing, being active listening, hear about what people's perspective or their feelings and thoughts, and then wait for the response. So not just only like trying to fight back immediately. Right? Also like, again, focusing on the problem, adjusting the problem, not personal attack, and also seeking for solution. Let's figure it out together. That's about a healthy conflict. But on the other way, or a harmful pattern would be, you know, lack of distance and also like resentment a lot, right? And there's a lot of yelling, screaming to each other, you know, a lot of blaming for your partner. Also stonewalling, right? You know, shut down and then avoid the conversation at all. Just never have a solution come up with at the end, right?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Kyle Ho
So the more harmful patterns coming up in the communication, there will be more manipulation, gaslighting, coercive control, and also maybe abusive behavior happen as well.
Katherine Hurtig
And we're talking couples, right? Two individuals. So, you know, as a relationship grows and evolves, how do you balance growing as a couple with also growing individually? You know, everyone has their own, you know, hopes and dreams and plans. And how do you kind of balance those two?
Kyle Ho
Right. I mean, all the time I remind my client when we talk about, you know, a couple relationship, don't lose your own self-identity. That's important, right?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Kyle Ho
So I think that like that's important for the client to think about would be like, you know, help yourself to support individual growth. set some target for yourself don't ignore your own needs you need to have those go as well so encourage each other to have personal goals and passions about your life right maintain about like some personal space you need some space for yourself as well it's not 24 hours um always just stick with your partner you can you have the right to have your own space time as well take advantage with those spare time and then you can do something that you want to be enjoying about life as well right.
Katherine Hurtig
Well and it also it gives you things to talk about you know if you have your own your own stuff your own life your own friends then when you do come together there's a lot more to say.
Kyle Ho
Yeah right like you can engage in with different activities and then come back together you can share more lots of fun with your partner as well right.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure.
Kyle Ho
Yeah and also I think that um investing some quality time will be meaningful you know so spending some meaningful time together and keep a connection along with each other that will help for you know having some your own self-time, but also like some quality moment together, which are increasing about the relationship getting better and better.
Katherine Hurtig
Of course. Yeah. So the honeymoon stage is over. What should couples do if they realize that their values or goals don't quite align as much as they thought?
Kyle Ho
Right. That's the progress that most of the couples will go through, right? So I think that's important to how to handle or like find a way find a solution to work at it so if you see there will be like failures or goals will be didn't align about it talk openly talk honestly about the situation bring up the topic so have an open judgment fee conversation with each other talk about what's going on and what do you two want to have in their futures as well right.
Katherine Hurtig
Again that kind of working together that shared vision.
Kyle Ho
Right right also identify the difference. Understand about like what would be the preference of people or the core value which one would be important find the common ground all together you know. If you find it important to you and your partner just stick with those values and then share the main core value together. And I think also that's important is about think about long term consider about how difference may affect you and your partner futures as well.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah I guess, I mean certain goals and values are flexible but others might be deal breakers yeah.
Kyle Ho
Right so I think like if you do get along and align about the futures for long term more benefit to you both for you as well for the future goal.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah speaking of that flexibility like how does compromise kind of play into long-term love? When do you know to compromise on something and when should you stand your ground?
Kyle Ho
Yeah I mean like compromise is play a foundational role in the long-term love, right? We have to compromise about it, right? So I think the things that would be important would be how do you create a balance about it, right? It helps both partners to feel heard and valued and also build the teamwork. So strengthen all the we feelings over me versus you, right? And also showing some respect to each other, a sign that you can create each other needs about it that's important about it. how do you know about you compromise too much so first thing first it feels like you're losing yourself right?
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Kyle Ho
You know like when all your needs your failures your identity become disappear and losing doesn't mean like you compromise too much and sacrifice too much for your partner and you gonna disappear right yeah and also like you being um being silenced for your own voice you know you're avoiding expressing yourself how do you truly feeling about it you know just want to stay away with the situation. Don't want to make your partner feel unhappy about it. So that's why you just compromise yourself. Just, okay, do what you want to do. Do what you want to like. That's not healthy. And also like you always feel misunderstood about from your partner. So, you know, all the time you just sacrifice and then your partner just don't know what would be your true thoughts or like maybe don't understand about your situation as well.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. Going back to the idea of fun and excitement, you know, after that initial spark that a lot of couples have how do you suggest keeping the relationship feeling fresh and exciting?
Kyle Ho
Right that's the that's most of the people think about asking about how do I do that? like you know I miss about like the sparkling moment from there how do we do that right? In counselling most of time like ask the counsellor what should we do? I always told them like first of all keep dating first. You know most of the time when you starting a long-term relationship do you know about the feeling about dating to each other dating is important it's huge right yeah you can go for having some activities so fun so outgoing to have something that you want to do together creating some special moment again right so dating is one thing second thing don't um don't feel shy and scared about surprising that your partners right you know you can don't have to be big small thoughtful like um things that you want to buy for a partner or like just prepare for a partner that's create excitement about it right?
Katherine Hurtig
My husband is great at that. Like even if it's something little like you know my favorite peanut butter or something like just little surprises like it seems small but it means a lot.
Kyle Ho
Yeah I think like men will be different for female a little bit you know like um you know men will be hiding their feelings of thought about it right but then once their partner do something special for them they will truly happy about it.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah
Kyle Ho
I think that that's huge and important. Especially, I know that like female will be more emotional about like those special moments, right? I think like men will identify it but then men also love to have some surprise as well.
Katherine Hurtig
Of course, yeah.
Kyle Ho
Yeah, and also talking about those part, I think that trying new things is a good, good ideas as well, you know, giving some new ideas, do it together to create a moment, right? Doing something that never do it before, you can do it together to create a special moment as well.
Katherine Hurtig
Totally.
Kyle Ho
Yep. And also, um, laugh it out together, keep some humor and playful alive as well. That's important to keep the relationship being more fresh.
Katherine Hurtig
Super important. Yeah. And yeah, you've talked about this a lot, the dates and the surprises, they don't, they don't have to be big. So what other small everyday things can couples do to have fun together?
Kyle Ho
I don't know about you, Katherine, but I think one thing that I feel enjoyable would be like cooking together with my partner.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Kyle Ho
you know we have to eat all the day and they're like why don't we just plan sometimes like creating some meal that you want to eat together with your partner just prepare the recipe all the ingredients and then make it a good meal for together to make it fun right um second thing I think like you can have some game night so having some ball game having some fun time with all together right that's another one I think that's that a good recommendation would be like having a yes day never like find a day just say yes to your partner.
Katherine Hurtig
I love that.
Kyle Ho
Do something that like, you know, like never do it before, but you can say you can say no to your partner. Just do it. Yes, together. So for a whole day, then you can try a lot of fun thing together.
Katherine Hurtig
Oh, amazing.
Kyle Ho
That will be like happy forever. Right. Yeah.
Katherine Hurtig
Switching gears a little bit. Everything we've talked about, it sounds like a lot of really good building blocks of a strong relationship. You know, you like being around the other person. You feel safe. What does emotional safety look like in a relationship, and are there ways that couples can build it?
Kyle Ho
Well, totally. Emotional safety is the most important part, right? You know, like think about it. If your partner don't able to provide you emotional safety, there will be a lack of trust and disrespectful, a lot of conflicts from right there, right? So I think all the time talk about with the partner or client that will be like, you know, have to create emotional safety with your partner as well. So talk about how to create it. So first of all, there will be like non-judgmental listening, right? Don't ignore don't neglect about your feelings on thoughts from your partner you know try to provide or create a space for your partner expressing feelings without any fears or criticisms that's important second thing is trust you know confidential that your partner you're able to feel like safe in the space and you know that they will be trust the feeling trust the feeling that like you know my partner is trustworthy and I can trust them and just talk about whatever my problem or my weaknesses right the conversation you know share your true self without fear or rejection you know in the part with your partner it should be the person that will make you feel safe and secure all the time you'll be no worry about sharing your fears or like worries about all the time right? And also like you know building a respectful communication you're being kind being thoughtful about the conversation and even though during the disagreement you're still able to provide the respectful way to your partner that make you feel secure and safe right the last but not least the emotional support is the most important part, right? So offering a comfort, understandable and tough time to your partner.
Katherine Hurtig
Thank you so much, Kyle. Is there anything else that you want to leave our listeners with? Anything that we haven't talked about?
Kyle Ho
I think that like the most important part to keep the relationship in a happy moment. Think about your partner, you know, all the time, you know, this is the one that you choose to love the partner and then like they are worth it that you put all the effort, put the priority over everything, right? That's one thing and also like be present you know like fully focused with your partner just stick with them enjoy the moment with them enjoy the time with them as well and last…
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah that's probably a big one that we all can do a little better with especially with our phones. Yeah putting those down and being present to each other.
Kyle Ho
You never know about what's going on with the next moment right all the time that you want to be you know stick with your partner stick together with the one that you love all the time spending time with them just enjoy the moment with them, and also just like I mentioned, communication in a healthy way and openly. You know, don't judge your partner. Just be curious about what they think about it.
Katherine Hurtig
Curious. I like that.
Kyle Ho
Curiosity will be important, right? If you don't be curious about what you think about from your partner, you never know the answer. Keep digging. Keep asking about questions. Keep being curious about what they think about it. And then the more you know about what they thought, the more you've discovered about the different ideas from them as well.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. Awesome. Thank you so much, Kyle. I have to go and brainstorm some ways to surprise my husband.
Kyle Ho
Totally.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. Thanks a lot.
Kyle Ho
Thank you.
Katherine Hurtig
You've been listening to Living Fully, a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Thank you for tuning in.
This episode was produced by Luiza Campos, Manuel Montano, Jenna Forbes, and by me, Katherine Hurtig. A special thanks to Kyle Ho.
To stay up to date on our latest episodes, be sure to subscribe. We're available in your favorite podcast app. Living Fully is a production of Calgary Counselling Centre and recorded in Calgary on Treaty 7 territory. Living Fully podcast is not a substitute or alternative for professional care or treatment. Calgary Counselling Centre and Counselling Alberta provide effective counselling to anyone in Alberta with no waitlist and no financial barriers. Find us online at calgarycounselling.com and counsellingalberta.com. For help across Canada and the United States, call 211. If you are outside of Canada and the U.S., seek help from your general medical practitioner.