Season 1, Episode 17: Handling Holiday Stress
December is in full swing, and you know what that means — a mix of festive vibes, holiday joy as well as stress and expectations. While the holiday season can be a wonderful time for celebration, quality time with loved ones, and a chance to unwind from the demands of daily life, it also presents its own set of challenges. Family gatherings, holiday commitments, and financial pressures can be overwhelming and cause extra stress.
On this episode, Katherine Hurtig talks with registered psychologist, Amy Ramler, about the many stresses and emotions that can come with the holiday season and the different ways we can manage that.. We explore topics such as the weight of expectations, financial pressures, navigating family dynamics, setting boundaries, and coping strategies. We also discuss the common struggle of finding the perfect gift and offer insights on creating meaningful traditions while maintaining healthy boundaries with family. Listen in to learn practical ways to navigate the holiday season and make it more enjoyable and less overwhelming.
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Katherine Hurtig
Welcome to Living Fully a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Each episode will bring you insights from our expert counsellors and tips and strategies to improve your mental well-being. I'm your host, Katherine Hurtig. Calgary Counselling Centre and Counseling Alberta provide effective counselling for anyone in Alberta with no wait list and no financial barriers. Find us online calgarycounseling.com or counsellingalberta.com.
Katherine Hurtig
On this episode, I talk with Amy Ramler, registered psychologist, about the stress that can come with the holiday season, and the different ways we can manage that stress. We'll cover the expectations around having a perfect holiday. What to do when you feel like you can't get the right gift? And how to set boundaries with family? I'm excited to be here with Amy Ramler and the holidays are right around the corner and so we're going to be talking about holiday stress. Thank you so much for being here with me Amy.
Amy Ramler
Thank you for having me here.
Katherine Hurtig
The holiday season, obviously it can be a good time. It can be really joyful. There is a lot of stress that surrounds it as well. From your experience as a counsellor, what are some common stressors that people can face during this time?
Amy Ramler
There are many and I come up with kind of four themes or grouped some of these things into four different themes. The first one time pressures or the lack of time It's such a busy season
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
And a lot of people come in really feeling crunched and not really knowing how to spend their time and feeling really spread thin. Financial pressures, the second one, different kinds of financial pressures too, with gifts, of course, many dinner invites, hosting, travel
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, travel.
Amy Ramler
So lots of different financial pressures. Giving gifts is another pressure, getting the perfect gift
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Or not to get the thing that you want. Who to choose to give gifts to and sometimes there's a feeling of obligation
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Of you have to give gifts that you really don't want to or you can't financially give gifts. And then the last one is kind of crosses, they all kind of cross over a bit, but this one family and friend gatherings. Those can create a lot of boundary issues
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And bring a lot of past, maybe traumatic experiences, but even the joyful things are risky to some people. On the flip side of that kind of a major part of that is also loneliness and isolation.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
That can kind of come, if there are no family gatherings or friend gatherings available.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Or if you are going to many things and still feel lonely. That can be really confusing. And yeah, of course, blended families and grief, family tension and those kinds of things show up.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. It brings up a lot of. feelings,
Amy Ramler
Yes. Yes. Many, many feelings and it can be really confusing.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, I found in my time talking to counsellors the idea of expectations comes up a lot when it comes to the holidays, you're expected to, feel a certain way. You're expected to want to see family and friends. The expectation of giving gifts or getting gifts. And I think that's where a lot of issues might arise. Do you agree?
Amy Ramler
Yes. Definitely. And I think managing expectations is like a major part of managing stress
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Over the holidays, for sure.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, you brought up the idea of family, so every family looks and feels different. Well, a lot of people love their family, and then it's great to hang out, but it's definitely those families that there's a lot of tension. If that's the case, if getting together with family creates stress, what strategies do you think people can use to kind of navigate that difficult family dynamic?
Amy Ramler
A lot of what I'm going to talk about in all of what we talked about today is about boundaries.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
And so I'm just going to keep coming back quite a bit to boundaries, but there's many different components of actually, what does that mean to be able to set a boundary. And so some of these strategies that I'll talk about here are part of setting boundaries, but not the full picture of being able to set boundaries. So the very first thing is being able to focus on choices that you have in situations with your family, and sometimes it again, those obligations and those expectations can feel really heavy. But when you really know your own personal values then it becomes easier to choose the thing that maybe might not be traditional.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
But it ends up you can make it ok for yourself, or you might end up doing the thing that you feel obligated to do. But there's a way to reframe it as something you value, that you're doing it for your own personal reason even though it's something you really like. Part of that too is then being able to tolerate the discomfort that comes in, maybe doing some things that you feel obligated to but that are still in line with your values that you do genuinely
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Want to do in some way, but that needs some toleration of frustration or tolerating maybe others emotions and tolerating discomfort.
Katherine Hurtig
How do you know whether it's with your clients or just our listeners, what do you recommend to do to kind of work on that? What did you call it? Toleration for discomfort?
Amy Ramler
Yeah!
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah!
Amy Ramler
Toleration and discomfort. This would be something that I definitely recommend coming into counselling for, cause that can be a big one if you're not sure how to deal with anxiety or these big emotions or grief or anger. That's definitely a counselling goal. But in general, to be able to, if there's a feeling that's there to be able to identify that feeling and then not act on it. So kind of letting that feeling be there if I'm feeling really anxious, I might be able to feel my heart racing, my palms are sweaty, and I can acknowledge that's there for 30 seconds I can just let that be there. Trying to move away from what I'm thinking, but just really be with my body and then move into, ok now what needs to be done? I give myself 30 seconds to just be with that and then I'm kind of teaching myself that I'm safe. I'm safe to actually have this feeling.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And now I can go do the next thing. And not sitting with it for too long cause that can kind of spiral as well. But giving yourself permission to feel those feelings is a good way to develop tolerance.
Katherine Hurtig
I wanna dive deep into that a little more. Cause I've heard that a bit, but I. Guess it's hard for me to really wrap my head around that of having an uncomfortable feeling. But like you said, kind of sitting with it and accepting it and not trying to resist it or feel shame about it. You know what I mean?
Amy Ramler
There might be shame about it because it is- that's a feeling.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
I like to explain it kind of like you are a spotlight. You have a tension. And you can. Put that spotlight of attention anywhere
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
You can put it on your thoughts, you could put it on a sound outside of this room, you could put it on my voice ,you could put it on the feeling of your feet in your shoes right now.
Katherine Hurtig
Ok, Yeah.
Amy Ramler
You can really just wear your attention goes.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. And so one of the places that you can shift your attention away from is away from your thoughts and just keep coming back to feeling something happening in your body. Right now, I'm aware of my hands.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And I can be partially aware of my hands, even as I'm talking. And so that kind of lets me be more present to the feeling that's there. You don't have to change anything.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
It's usually that fight if. Like I don't want to feel this
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Or I can't be feeling this. That really ends up amplifying feelings or creating shame.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. When I said shame, maybe that wasn't the right word.
Amy Ramler
Oh no I think that's
Katherine Hurtig
I like what you said about, like, I shouldn't be feeling this. That totally resonates. If you're uncomfortable in a situation, it just feels like I shouldn't be feeling this.
Amy Ramler
And it's so it's about acceptance.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
It's like instead it's like ohh I label that right away. If there's a I shouldn't be feeling this if that's a negative critic kind of telling you how things are.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
But they're not like that.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
We can kind of set- and they'll come back to boundaries again. We can kind of set a boundary with that part of us and not listen to that part of us.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And then come back to it's ok to be feeling this, this is normal to be feeling this.
Katherine Hurtig
So getting into boundaries a bit more. How do we set those with family members that might bring up these uncomfortable feelings?
Amy Ramler
So I'll go kind of quickly through a few things that are important to be able to set boundaries, knowing what you value is the very first thing if you don't know what you value, how do you know what to say yes or no to?
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Really accepting what you value and making it like, ok, that yes, I value this even though my family values something else and working on accepting that and even just framing it as my family values this and I value that.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. What a lot of people probably talk about around the dinner table now, different political views and things like that I'm sure. Like would that be an example?
Amy Ramler
Yeah and even somebody deciding to talk about political views at the dinner table to be able to frame that as like ,Oh, they really value politics and they might value this type of politics or this party.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
I don't have to frame that as an attack on me or a challenge to me, it can just be I don't value politics as much. That's OK.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
They really do. And I don't. I don't agree with what they're saying either or maybe I even agree with what they're saying, I don't have to agree or disagree. I can just make it about they value this and I value this.
Katherine Hurtig
That's a great way to frame it that I wish more people would take into consideration.
Amy Ramler
And often there are actually shared values happening of family is a very common one that there's shared values, so if somebody's talking about politics at the table and one of your values, is family and that's why you've kind of chosen to be there because it's important to you to be with family, then your focus can be on I'm so glad I can spend time with my family, with them being able to passionately share what they value.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
There is often shared values, but they're hard to see, when emotions get high.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure.
Amy Ramler
And when we're not thinking about it as values.
Katherine Hurtig
I love that.
Amy Ramler
And it's not about- it's kind of coming off of any judgment of right or wrong. It's just different.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. Boundaries is something that I struggle with, expressing them in the right way. I remember I was at a family event recently and someone said something that really bothered me and I ruminated it on it after thinking like how could I have expressed that I wasn't ok with that? but still being really respectful of them? And so it's still an internal struggle.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. Well, in other parts going through other things that are important to be able to set Boundaries are can you recognize when a boundary is being pushed?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Because if we can't recognize when somebody's pushing our boundaries, we don't actually know that oh I got I set a boundary here
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
I should have set boundaries sooner
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Or I could have set of boundaries sooner and then also having the appropriate word, which is what you're talking about, how could you possibly know what to say if it's never been modeled to you or taught to you? And that's definitely something that coming to counselling can help with. What words do I use? I don't know how to talk about this. Sometimes I'll kind of joke but it's very true that sometimes people know how to set boundaries from when they were five years old and they've continued to use the same words and the same strategies from when they were younger and it worked at that time.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, and not so much now.
Amy Ramler
And it gets them into trouble. Or the way that they set boundaries at work is also how they set boundaries with their partner, and that gets them into a different kind of trouble.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
So it's really important to have a variety of ways to say no and a variety of ways to say yes, because every time you say no you're also saying yes to something else.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
and yeah, and I guess the last part that you're kind of also referencing, that last part is really important to be able to set boundaries is knowing how to deal with the negative reaction. Whether that's from
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Somebody else or in yourself like you just described. That kind of rumination that comes up of like, oh, what just happened?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah!
Amy Ramler
I'm not being it's like not being able to pivot away from it.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
That would be a type of boundary like setting a boundary with yourself. No, I'm done here. I don't need to think about this anymore, or setting a boundary with somebody else's disappointment. The most common thing that I think comes up is this right here. People don't set boundaries in the 1st place because they're scared of disappointing people.
Katherine Hurtig
Totally, yeah.
Amy Ramler
And then they just don't set the boundary and they have a lot of fear about what it would be like to set the boundaries. So really what we're learning to manage is anxiety. Learning to manage the anxiety so that it doesn't become so it's like oh I know I can handle my own disappointment. I know I can handle my own anxiety if somebody else is disappointed, I'll be able to figure this out.
Katherine Hurtig
Right, yeah. I gotta get you on again and we've got to do a whole episode just on boundaries. Yeah. So kind of tying in family and that idea that we talked about expectations, if you're in a relationship with someone, they've got their past and their family and you've got yours. And sometimes those holiday traditions, they don't mesh, they kind of clash. I'm really lucky. I grew up celebrating Christmas and my husband is Jewish, so they grew up celebrating Hanukkah and they rarely overlap. So I'm lucky in that way that we can both have our important operations, but that's not the case for many families. So how would you suggest people kind of communicate, their needs and preferences, and things like that around their tradition that they find important.
Amy Ramler
One of the things would be to definitely communicate your expectations or your- and your plan for the holidays
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
and to each other. Like if you're talking about a couple and trying to join traditions or to other family members.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And also, yeah, setting like time boundaries can be helpful and being able to be flexible, develop flexibility and like it can't look like this this year. So what could it look like?
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Developed flexibility in either joining some traditions or being willing to be flexible in the day and the time that certain events happen. Sometimes one of the solutions to the time restrictions, that is one of the most common stressors around Christmas is planning things after Christmas. I know that's what we did in my family after a big change in my family, we ended up shifting one of our major events to quite far after Christmas and that was very helpful.
Katherine Hurtig
That takes the pressure off a little.
Amy Ramler
Yeah, and keeps us all together still for these really important gatherings and then- or before, but before is often a lot busier. December is busier than middle of January usually.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
But that Flexibility is definitely something that can be developed.
Katherine Hurtig
And that's probably huge in each of those points that you mentioned in the beginning, is that idea of flexibility. I think we all have this idea of the perfect holiday and if we can't change our mindset around that, if we can't think that other options are acceptable, then we're probably gonna not have a good time.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. Those conversations are hard and if we can come back to values, and if you're again talking about just two people in a partnership trying to figure out what they're gonna do because they have conflicting events.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
If you come back to values and what's most important, then the decisions can become a little bit easier so that both people's values are reflected in the choices of the event.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. So yeah, that ties well into my next question. A lot of people feel that pressure to have a perfect holiday, I can be guilty of that. I have memories of really good holidays when I was a kid, and I want to recreate that feeling, and you get sucked into what you see in movies, and in advertisements around that time like you want it to look and feel a certain way. Let's talk about how we can kind of manage these expectations and feelings around that.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. And I guess I would give a little bit of a warning to that collective idea. That it is like how it is for everyone
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Even recognizing that, like, wait a minute, I'm an individual in this and my family is individual and separate from all of that. And so coming back to trying to create your own experiences, that awareness, like nothing's perfect and just let it be what it is, and being creative. You said something about the nostalgia
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, totally.
Amy Ramler
Like looking back at how things were. So we're bringing in flexibility again, being able to develop some flexibility that's how things were and what could it be now.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
And kind of building a bridge from what it was to what's possible, creating something new. I know I've heard of one family, can't remember. I think it was a friend who had told me their family every year when they were little, there was some cereal, special cereal that they would have at Christmas time only. And so as adults, they would still do that cereal thing and they would buy little kid cereal to be able to celebrate in this- Yet I don't see that in any Christmas movies
Katherine Hurtig
No.
Amy Ramler
Coming out. So it's finding your own thing and making it quirky and unique to you.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Instead of thinking that it needs to be this collective. It needs to match the cookie cutter collective idea that's being presented to us.
Katherine Hurtig
I bet that's really common, people wanting to recreate the way it was when They were a kid.
Amy Ramler
And again, how can you find the little ways that you can make that possible? I know for myself, I have a lot of alone time around Christmas but I didn't when I was little. And so one of the things I do on my own is I love puzzles and usually I'll have some sitcom playing in the background
Katherine Hurtig
Nice.
Amy Ramler
There's always a puzzle though around Christmas time, but it doesn't have to be exactly from your childhood either. It can just be, what do I want right now?
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
What do I want to spend my time doing in this time that's supposed to be about connection and gathering and comfort?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
How can I create that in other non-traditional ways?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. And it's true, like you said, making it your own and creating new traditions and really building it what you want to be. That's one thing that- since I met my husband we've started- well he might have done this for years before, but when I joined the family we always go out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve. That's not something I did before, but I really liked how that's become a thing.
Amy Ramler
Yes, actually, that reminds me. One of my new traditions too is that changing environments so something has changed in my family. So for Christmas dinner we don't meet at my parents house anymore. My parents come over to my house and we have Christmas tacos.
Katherine Hurtig
I like that.
Amy Ramler
And like a very different meal and different environment that really helped to like make it our own.
Katherine Hurtig
Right
Amy Ramler
And move things in a new direction while still respecting what was before and remembering that, yeah.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. In my family, we've obviously had to switch things up, my brother got married and has kids now. So it doesn't look exactly like it did, 10 years ago when we would always go over to my mom's. So like you said, it's having that flexibility and kind of accepting where things are.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. And part of that is being ok with being sad that it's not how it was.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
So back to tolerating emotions.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
It makes sense to have some grief over. I can't do that anymore.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
It's not the same situation, but still have good memories about it and feel sad and that's OK.
Katherine Hurtig
That's a hard one. Yeah, I'm sure a lot of people kind of struggle with that. And we talk about how no emotion is good or bad, but it is uncomfortable to feel sad. You don't want to. But what you said seems really important to acknowledge that and be like it's ok to feel this way.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. And what does it mean? What does that show you? That you're sad about this?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
That was probably really important to you.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
And nice that you have this thing that was really important.
Katherine Hurtig
Obviously a big part of the holidays is, well for a lot of people not everyone, but is gift giving and I think especially this year with inflation and high cost of living that pressure is going to be even stronger. What advice do you have for those who feel overwhelmed by the financial demands?
Amy Ramler
We'll talk more generally first just about the pressure of finding the right gift.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Because I think that can make the financial stress worse, as if I had more money than I could find, the perfect gift.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Lowering financial expectations I think can help and framing it as this is going to sound kind of cheesy, but it's the thought that counts, and really, it's the thought and the feeling behind the thought that counts. And I think this has potential, though for also creating anxiety. But to just let it be ok to get the wrong gift,
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
As long as it's something that you are comfortable with and again, coming back to your values of how does the gift that you're giving fit into your values so that you can feel like it's in line with your values. Even if the other person might not like it. That's kind of their reaction to the gift, right that they're
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Responsible for.
Katherine Hurtig
You can't control that.
Amy Ramler
You can’t control that at all. So knowing then how to make sure that you're not having anxiety for somebody else's feelings.
Katherine Hurtig
Right
Amy Ramler
You can learn. How to deal with somebody else's disappointment, or your own. And sometimes you're able to just let it be. I don't know how this person's going to feel about this gift and you won't know until they get it, not assuming that they're not going to like it. If you had something better in mind, the person you're giving it to doesn't know that you were thinking of this other thing but just couldn't afford it.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And so they don't have that context, right?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah and people have talked about this to death, but it is really true that it isn't gifts that cost the most are the best. That's so not true, the best gifts I've received have costed pennies almost. There was one year I was unemployed around the holidays and I wanted to get gifts for my family. I want to be able to give presents. So I was like, well, what am I gonna do? I can't. There's no way I can afford to get some something. I ended up making them customized playlists. This is back in the day, so it was a burned CD and I had so much fun with that. Thinking of all the different songs that would be on it, that they'd enjoy and I think my mom still has it to this day. I'm pretty sure it's in her car right now. So that costs next to nothing. I think it really is, it's. Giving something that just has a lot of feeling behind it.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. And for the people you are choosing to give gifts. You find out what their love languages is. Love languages are different ways of receiving and giving love, and one of the love languages is gifts like in a more material sense. But really you can gift any of the love languages.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, totally true.
Amy Ramler
So that means you might be trying to plan an experience for them.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Or maybe do something for them. Or maybe if it's touch, there's massage. There's many different ideas in there and ways to implement those, and sometimes that can help financially then too, if you're doing something for somebody, that there's the gift of time. Again, we're coming back to that. Well, there's, there's not enough. Time to make all these really thoughtful gifts and things like that.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And also actually haven't talked about this like an attitude good enough. Your connection with the people you're giving gifts to might be more than about that gift
Katherine Hurtig
Right and having it be perfect. Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. Instead of needing to like you said, have that big fancy gift that might have cost a lot of money.
Katherine Hurtig
We touched on this, the holiday season it can bring on lots of feelings of loneliness if you don't have a family. If you can't be with your family or people you care about. If you've lost someone. What can we do to kind of deal with those feelings of loneliness? I wrote down come back to the feelings of loneliness. But since we're kind of talking about sitting with and accepting feelings, how do we do that kind of accept that feeling but also create some meaningful connections around this time.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. I'm glad you caught that because yeah, to validate that. Yeah, it makes sense that I feel lonely right now, I want to be around people and I can't
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And so of course there's going to be loneliness. And sometimes the meaning that people make about that is the problem if I'm lonely, that must mean that there's something wrong with me
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Or nobody wants me.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And so it's that meaning that's more of the problem than the actual feeling of loneliness.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
The feeling of loneliness can be tolerated.
Katherine Hurtig
yeah and it's totally normal.
Amy Ramler
Yes. Yeah, the thoughts are what is really difficult, but some of the things like you can actually do; let people know that you're alone, let people know so that there's an opportunity for connection. I understand that does create a vulnerability.
Katherine Hurtig
Right
Amy Ramler
If there is nobody. Yeah, I've had that happen many times. So it's like, Yep, I'm alone and there's still nobody and that's ok. And so that's kind of like again building that tolerance for disappointment. It's like that happened. But there's no chance of connection without letting people know
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
that you're in need of connection.
Katherine Hurtig
And putting it out there, because I think you know also with the holidays. It brings about a giving spirit in people. So there's more of a chance that people will bring you in if you let them know.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. Or or be more direct and even ask like, hey, can I come over for dinner?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. And I don't think we do that enough, really straight up ask for what we need.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. And again that you need to be able to tolerate being uncomfortable
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
cause that might be kind of an awkward thing to ask.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure.
Amy Ramler
It might be worth it. It might surprise you the answers you get
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
and the welcome that you get. Try saying yes to things that you wouldn't typically say yes to. Sometimes there are like kind of casual invites or suggestions and a lot of the time because we're so busy we just say no.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
We're immediately anxious about that thing and try to saying yes to things. If you are alone, then do something special for yourself. Figure out alone traditions.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
It can be helpful to kind of pretend you have your inner child with you and what would your inner child wanna do?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And again not perfectly recreate that, but have some elements of play and creativity from past times
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
that you can't access exactly but it is possible to do something special for yourself. Yeah. One of the things I like doing from time to time is, and I recommend this to my clients too when there's something special to celebrate, if this is their kind of thing, to go to some craft store and kind of walk the aisles looking for something that catches your eyes
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
that wouldn't be something normally that you'd buy. It's kind of like letting a 5 year old loose in a toy store and giving them permission to just buy something and do that for yourself and just kind of be silly with it.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Yeah, it can be just unique and something odd to break things up and get you out of the typical patterns that come up very human patterns that come up when we're lonely.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. Yeah, it happens in everyday life, but also around the holidays. Social media, it really portrays an idealized version. We just put out the best on social media. You're not seeing anyone's bad days. How do we kind of avoid comparing ourselves and our situation to kind of like this quote UN quote perfect that we see on social media?
Amy Ramler
Yeah, I'm going to come back to boundaries,
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Setting boundaries of social media, especially around that time of the year. Doing simple things like deciding to delete an app for a day or delete an app for a week or even moving your apps on your phone to like different folders and things to kind of interrupt that.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. Make it more difficult to
Amy Ramler
Well, yeah to make it more difficult to access so that you're more likely to find yourself doing something else.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. It's taken a long time to get there, but I've I've definitely noticed, like a worse feeling when I spend a lot of time on social media. Like there's definitely a heightened feeling of anxiety.
Amy Ramler
And to some extent, we have some control and influence about what we see on Instagram or what we see on our Facebook page and so one of the other strategies is to go through anything that you notice that kind of ew feeling, why are we following those?
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
To go through and prune and curate your own wall.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Setting time boundaries too, about how much time you spent on the site. There are some apps that you can use I think to limit the time so that if that's the starting point, you kind of need
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
something else. But if you find that you're really struggling to set boundaries, counseling, can be a really great support to help get ideas of how to increase your motivation. How to make changes that you're not aware of that could even be made.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. Yeah, I am an introvert and I've been lucky to be able to avoid too many holiday parties. That's not always the case. There's that again, we've talked about it, the feeling of obligation and whether that's a partner's work holiday party or something bigger with your friends. For people who are introverted, that can create a lot of stress. What do you recommend there? How can we kind of manage their energy, but also feel part of social activities? That kind of thing.
Amy Ramler
Yeah, make a plan and really know yourself. Know what you're sensitive to. If small talk is your anxiety thing or it's really draining, have a few planned responses so that you're either have a few things that you can talk about or questions you can ask somebody else so that they're talking and you're just kind of nodding
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
and asking some encouraging questions rather than pressure on you to talk about things.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, that puts you in a bit more of a position of feeling like you're in control.
Amy Ramler
Yeah, plan breaks. Have a plan of how do you take a break? Like you can go for a walk, you can go to the bathroom, you can go to your car, you can go grab something to eat, you can grab a book and go into the crawl space. Kind of also having a Survival kit, the idea of a survival kit. When I go out, I always have a book, pencil and my ear plugs. And when I have that, and gum like sugar free gum, that's also helpful for me. Even if I don't end up reading the book, it's comforting for me to know that there's a book there that I could read.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
If I need to do something to kind of distract or connect more back to myself.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. So sometimes having things with us can be important for using, but also important kind of as an emergency kit.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, I like that a lot. It goes back to that idea of kind of accepting our feelings. Even still I have trouble with that feeling of there must be something wrong with me, I shouldn't feel like this. I always feel guilty if I have that urge to leave a party or something, but gotta work on me. It's OK. It's just who I am. We've got the winter holidays and then New Years comes along and even so resolutions are very common, but they can sometimes lead to feelings of failure if we don't stick to them or follow through. What are your thoughts around that? Should we do them at all? How can we set realistic goals?
Amy Ramler
Yeah, I think goals are good. Some of the things specific like about goals is to be specific, not general. When we say, I just want to be happier well, how are you gonna know that you're happier? And what are you actually doing to work towards that? So be more specific. I want to read a book once a month if that's something that kind of adds to a general feeling of happiness. But be specific about your goals and breaking down your goals into smaller goals into manageable steps. I went on a hike the other day and kept breaking down the hike. Looking all the way to the top was too much
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
especially cause I kind of knew it was a false summit, that is not even the top stop looking up there.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And just looking slightly ahead and picking like a brush or a rock. That's where I'm headed next and continuing to do that with your goals. I knew I wanted to get to the actual summit, but I couldn't see it
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
And there's no point focusing on that. Oh that tree, right there, that's where I want to get next. Continuing to do that with your goals, find the next tree and the next rock and keep going.
Katherine Hurtig
I do that with my running. I'm still not at the point where I can run straight for longer than, I don't know, 15 minutes, but I think that's wanting a mental break. I'll run for 10 and walk for one. So I'm not thinking of the 10 kilometers that I have to run, no, it's just 10 minutes and then I get a little break.
Amy Ramler
And just breaking it down. And asking yourself, am I willing to do this one next thing.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Really making it a choice for yourself. Rather than that critical voice saying you should be doing this
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
You should be running an hour. You should be doing these unreasonable things, and I think that's another really important strategy for when you're setting goals and when you're trying to get out of the trap of perfectionism, to be able to identify that critical voice and put a stop to it, cause the critic leads to anxiety, which leads to this perfectionism to try to compensate for the anxiety.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
There's this triangle that kind of happens really quickly and can kind of get all mixed up together and make things really hard and the starting point is that inner critic like, yeah, I hear you inner critic and you're not needed right now.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
You're not actually in line with my values, right?
Katherine Hurtig
One thing that's been brought up in my own therapy was kind of really approaching that critic in a super kind way like, ohh thank you for showing up. I know that you're here to protect me or whatever it is. Maybe not the inner critic, but that anxiety. And yeah, like you said, you're here, but I don't need you right now like I got this.
Amy Ramler
If you're trying to build new habits, another thing you can do is add those habits to habits you already have. Choose brushing your teeth and then tack on the next little thing to brushing your teeth. For me, I've been working on balance for a while and strength in different ways and so brushing my teeth. Standing on one leg while I'm brushing my teeth like it just be tack on something
Katherine Hurtig
Nice.
Amy Ramler
simple
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
That's leading to something bigger. There is one more thing though that I'll say though
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
that I’ll kind of come back to brushing your teeth, as an example that when you are trying to set a goal it's something that has to happen over a long period of time and if we go back to like brushing your teeth, most people do brush their teeth every day. There are exceptions. But most people if they did, forget to brush their teeth before they went to bed or who knows, they're like rushing out the door and they forgot to brush their teeth before going to work. As soon as they realized they forgot, they're not gonna be like, oh, what's the point? Like I forgot to do it yesterday.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, so it failed. Yeah, I know.
Amy Ramler
With brushing your teeth is like no, people immediately go and brush their teeth when they can.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Yeah, I forgot. To take that attitude with anything,
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
I missed going to the gym.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
I Was too tired today and then lots of people go to, what's the point? I didn't do it.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
All or nothing can be really detrimental. The idea of it's a habit like brushing your teeth. Just do it when you do remember and do have time.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Instead of this all or nothing.
Katherine Hurtig
I see that a lot around New Year's and I have friends who will do like 30 day challenges or something. And it's like, Oh well. I missed day seven so I guess I didn't do it. But you Could still do 8, 9, 10.
Amy Ramler
Yeah. What if it was their teeth?
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah that's true.
Amy Ramler
Exactly, yeah.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. It's more about consistency than perfection. Yeah, there's been moments where you've talked about how counseling can kind of help with holiday stress and things like that. When would someone know when to consider seeking help if they're having a hard time with the holidays?
Amy Ramler
Anytime. I'm a huge fan of counselling. I like going to my own counseling. For a very long time it's been my favorite part of the week.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
Anytime you feel like I wanna change something and I don't know how. Anytime you're like, this isn't going well and you're overwhelmed, or you need to support it's ok to have support and I think counselling is becoming more well known as it's not laying on a couch. And talking about your past traumas
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
and things like that, sometimes those things happen in counseling, but that's not what counseling is about most of the time and so being able to recognize that if you want counselling, if you want, or if you're stuck, if you want change. Even if you don't want change because you're scared of that change but you're struggling to reach out.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
During the holiday season, I would encourage you if you know that it's going to be hard, reach out before. Reach out.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
At the beginning of the season, but at the same time, if you didn't reach out during the season and again, if you didn't, then we start after.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
it's ok to reach out whenever, anytime.
Katherine Hurtig
I think yeah, there's. There's still this idea that counseling is for when things are going really bad.
Amy Ramler
Yeah.
Katherine Hurtig
I hope that we can keep pushing the message that it can help anytime. Yeah.
Amy Ramler
And if you come in a little bit sooner it can be what I call like booster sessions just a little bit of maintenance rather than a full course of therapy like 12 to 20 sessions
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Amy Ramler
Or whatever it is needed to get you back to a place that doesn't have to get really bad to reach out.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah.
Amy Ramler
The most important thing is a desire for something different.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. Awesome. Thank you so much Amy.
Amy Ramler
You’re welcome.
Katherine Hurtig
This is a great chat and I hope everyone has a fantastic holiday season.
Amy Ramler
Yeah, thank you for having me.
Katherine Hurtig
You've been listening to Living Fully, a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Thanks for tuning in.
This episode was produced by Luiza Campos, and by me, Katherine Hurtig. A special thanks to Amy Ramler.
We want to thank you for listening to Living Fully this year. We hope that you have enjoyed these conversations, and that they've given you some ideas to improve your mental well-being. We're taking a short break for the holidays, but we'll be back with new episodes on January 23rd.
To stay up to date on our latest episodes, be sure to subscribe. We're available in your favorite podcast app, Living Fully is a production of Calgary Counselling Centre and recorded in Calgary on Treaty 7 territory.
Living Fully podcast is not a substitute or alternative for professional care or treatment. If you're an Alberta need help, please go to calgarycounselling.com or counsellingalberta.com. For help across Canada and the United States, call 211. If you are outside of Canada and the US seek help from your general medical practitioner.