Oh the holiday season! – lights and warmth, love and excitement, joy and celebration. It’s a time of year filled with traditions and anticipation. It looks a little different for everybody, but we all have an idea in our mind of what we want our holidays to look and feel like.

The holidays can be a time of great expectations. Whether we are creating these expectations ourselves, they are coming from those around us, or being pushed through the media, this time of year is sometimes built up to be larger than life. And that can be stressful. It’s a time when we’re expected to spend money on gifts, spend time with specific people, and even feel a certain way. It can become the perfect recipe for a high stress season. But what if we change those expectations? What if we looked at the holidays from a different perspective? It may just take away some of the stress this season can bring.

Expectation #1 – Spending Money

Giving and receiving gifts, can be a huge part of the holiday season. Every store and business is trying to tantalize you with the “perfect” present for your loved ones and it’s easy to be compelled to give in to this expectation. But not everyone has the means to spend on gifts for all the people they care about.

If we’re not able to give our family and friends the “perfect” gift or gifts of a certain value, it might make us feel that we’re not showing our love the way we should, or that we’re letting them down and not giving them the holiday experience we feel they deserve. It may be difficult to change this expectation, but if you can’t afford gifts or if your budget is limited it’s important that you do. Create a budget for your holiday spending that’s manageable for your situation. A holiday budget is going to be different from person to person and even from year to year as financial situations change. Ask yourself, “what does a realistic holiday celebration look like for me and my family?” This might require some conversations with family or friends about the amount or kinds of gifts they can expect – there can be some vulnerability in conversations like these but it will help you create a needed boundary for yourself and helps to manage the expectations of others too.

Expectation #2 – Time with Family

For a lot of people, the expectation to spend time with family is ingrained in their holiday traditions. This can be a special time to connect with people you love, share memories and enjoy each other’s company. But relationships in families can be complicated; personalities can clash and too much time together can be detremental. The obligatory family time over the holidays is an expectation that may not bring the joy out in everyone. If time spent with family is difficult and stirs up negative feelings, set a time limit for yourself and plan an exit strategy that is polite. Remind yourself that these gatherings are temporary, and ask yourself what you need to get through the next few hours. Be aware of what triggers your emotions and know that you can only control your reactions; you can’t control what others think, say, or do. Whatever your relationship with your family looks like, be mindful of your needs and maintain your healthy boundaries.

Expectation #3 - Socializing

Holiday work parties, drinks out with friends, New Year’s celebrations; this season often entails lots of opportunities, and expectations, to socialize. Like any other expectation around the holidays, it’s important to reflect on what you need to have a holiday experience that you’ll enjoy. Ask yourself questions like: What do I want out of this holiday party? How will I feel afterward? For some, parties and social gatherings energize them and lift their spirits. For others, these kinds of events can be draining. It’s important to have self-awareness and to know your limits when it comes to social situations. If you do feel obligated to attend an event, plan ahead and decide what you need to do to be able to enjoy the experience. If you find yourself feeling run-down after social events, give yourself the time you need to decompress and recharge.

Expectation #4 – The “Holiday Spirit”

There’s an expectation around this time of year to get into the “holiday spirit” – to have that warm, joyful feeling that everyone appears to have at the end of every holiday movie. All smiles, perfect loving family, opening presents under the tree with a sparkle of love and gratitude in their eyes. But what if you don’t feel that way? What if the holidays make you feel frustrated or anxious or sad or nothing at all? Are you doing it wrong? Not at all. Try not to think that you “should” feel any specific way and give yourself permission to have the feelings you are having. Make the holidays meaningful for you, whatever that may look like: spending time alone, volunteering with a charity, movie nights with friends, going to a church or place of worship.

It's okay if your holiday experience isn’t like the cookie-cutter version you see on TV. Expectations can be harmful if they end up making us feel bad about ourselves. You don’t have to live up to all the expectations you feel others set out for you. Take the word “should” out of the holidays and accept and embrace whatever this time of year may bring you – allow it to help you grow.

If this season is bringing you some stress and you’d like someone to talk to, we can help. Register for counselling online or call. 833.827.4229

Information for this blog was provided by Michelle Keough and Stephen Walker, registered social workers, and Maureen McWilliams, registered psychologist.