“My abusive relationship defined who I was”

(With respect to our client’s confidentiality in this story, we have used pseudonyms.)

“I met Andy in grade ten and was instantly attracted to his charismatic personality. He was charming, friendly, and everything I wanted in a boyfriend. The relationship began with enthusiasm, and for six months we were a happy, healthy couple.

“As the relationship progressed, I started noticing some manipulative characteristics in Andy’s personality. He lacked respect when talking about his parents or other friends, and I noticed how often he would lie to get his own way. He seemed comfortable manipulating his way through life, and genuinely started believing some of his own fabrications.

“His manipulative nature slowly escalated into verbal and emotional abuse. Andy became possessive and started micromanaging my life. It started with him trying to control who I hung out with, the time I spent with my family, who I was talking to at school and work, and even the clothes I wore. I was hesitant to tell my parents because I didn’t want them to judge me for being with him. When I did tell them, the support from them wasn’t what I needed. Nobody seemed to understand what it was like to be constantly scrutinized for loving him, and I ended up having to do it all on my own.

“Feeling abandoned, I moved to Calgary to get my college education. Andy continued attempting to control my life while I tried started a new one. Every time I would make a new friend, he would lash out and accuse me of cheating on him. His behavior started to take a toll on me—I felt trapped. My abusive relationship followed me everywhere I went, and defined who I was.

“I made the decision to leave Andy after the abuse escalated to the point where he was not only threatening me, but was also hurting himself in front of me. There was an incident when he warned me about committing suicide five times in one day, and that was when I realized the extent of his mental illness. He forced me to accept that there was nothing left I could do to help him, and I cut all communication with him.

“Due to constant anxiety throughout the relationship, I enrolled in both individual and group sessions at The Calgary Counselling Centre. The group program gave me the opportunity to talk to people I could relate to, and the individual sessions helped me develop a trusting relationship with someone who cared. I enjoyed talking to my counsellor because she didn’t scold me for being with Andy, but instead helped me understand that I had choices. She helped me accept that the choices I made had to be for myself, and not because I felt obligated to make them. She made me feel like I had control over my own life.

“Since the relationship ended almost three years ago, I have been doing really well independently. My experiences in my past relationship will always be a part of me, but I know I’ve been successful in transforming it into personal growth and renewal. Counselling helped me turn my negative experience into an opportunity to become a stronger person. I have rebuilt my relationship with my parents, and live each day being grateful for what I have. You can do the same – go out and get the help that is available.

“It can change your life.”

Aubrey