Think of someone you talk to daily. Now imagine you’re sharing something that matters to you, and this person keeps looking at their phone to read their notifications. You stop talking mid-sentence and this person doesn’t notice for a few seconds. You’ll likely feel a bit frustrated and maybe a little disrespected, and that’s understandable. No one likes being ignored so those feelings are valid.

Good communication skills are essential for healthy relationships, especially now when technology is so present in our lives. Understanding how to listen is just as important a skill to develop as it is how to convey our thoughts and feelings.

Communication opens up opportunities for deeper connections, and humans thrive on feeling connected.

A strategy for stronger communication

It can be hard to communicate your feelings around something you suspect will cause a disagreement. However, avoiding the conversation is not a solution as it can put a strain on the relationship. Here is a strategy that our counsellors suggest to help make these conversations healthier and more effective.

1. Describe the situation using only the facts. As much as possible, try to keep your emotions neutral. You want to be as objective and fair as possible. Describe your interpretation of the situation, and try to avoid any emotionally charged language.

2. Express your feelings about the situation. Avoid using “you” statements. These can cause the other person to become defensive. Start your sentences with, “I felt” or “I feel”.

3. Suggest a solution. Provide an alternative to the behaviour or situation. Describe how you want your needs to be met.

4. Explain the benefits. Communicate what the positive outcomes would be with the new behaviour.

An example would be approaching someone about being on their phone when you’re talking to them. Here’s what you can say using the above steps:

“While I was trying to tell you about my day, it seemed like I didn’t have your full attention because you were looking at your phone from time to time. I felt ignored, hurt and like I don’t matter. If you could have your phone down while I talk to you, I would feel much more appreciated, valued and heard by you.”

How to listen compassionately

When someone is approaching you about a behaviour or situation that is bothering them, it’s important to be patient, empathetic and understanding. Often, in this situation we feel reprimanded and our immediate reaction is to be defensive, but try to remember that bringing this up can be difficult. The following steps can help you become a better listener:

1. Pause and listen to what they are saying. This means listening to what they are saying, not reacting or responding right away but trying to understand their perspective, and how they are feeling.

2. Repeat what you see and hear. The best way to let someone know they are heard is by repeating back what you see and hear. Start your sentences with “I can hear that you feel …” or “I can see that you’re upset…”

3. Negotiate an agreement. Talk to them about the best way to move forward that would be beneficial to both of you.

Using the same scenario above, here’s what you could say in response, after pausing to listen to them fully:

“I can hear that being on my phone while you talk to me makes you feel unheard and ignored. I understand why this could make you feel that way. I’ll do my best to not do that anymore and if I have to check my phone for work, I’ll let you know and we can plan our conversation around it.”

This response is empathetic and respectful of the other’s feelings. It acknowledges both their interpretation of the situation and at the same time, you are able to offer a solution that benefits both of you.

Humans need connection. These connections are promoted through feelings, which requires effective communication. If you want to build stronger connections in your life, practice communicating your needs and listening to the needs of others.

Information for this blog was provided by registered psychologist, Nadine Hynd, and registered social workers, Sarah Rosenfeld and Denis Sushkin. Learn more about our counsellors.