4 conversations to have with your partner before you commit
Growing old with the one you love. That’s the goal, isn’t it? But what do we have to do to get there? Beyond the romance and date nights, relationships take work to stand the test of time. Part of that work involves honest conversations that aren’t always easy. But if you and your partner take the time to have these conversations early in your relationship, you’ll be building a solid foundation for your future together.
Children and parenting
Kids or no kids? — it’s one of the biggest, most life-altering choices you will make. Becoming a parent is as equally challenging as it is wonderfully rewarding, so it’s crucial that you and your partner are on the same page. Assumptions can’t be made around this topic – if your partner lets you know that they don’t want children, or vice versa, you can’t count on them changing their mind later on.
If children are in your future, you’ll also want to have a discussion around parenting - What values do you want to emphasize when raising your children? How do you plan on disciplining your children? Is spirituality and religion something that is important to introduce your children to? These are just a few questions you’ll want to ask as a couple. Everyone has different family histories and ideas of what the role of a parent is. You and your partner don’t need to agree on every aspect of parenting but there are so many things to consider when raising a child and it’s important you know where each of you stand and can come to an agreement . Having this conversation early on will help you feel more prepared when the time comes to start your family.
Finances
Money is one of the most difficult topics to talk about. Finances can be a major source of tension in a relationship if couples struggle to communicate openly about it. Money holds a lot more meaning to us than we realize. It can signify security, independence, success, control, power, or a lack of these things. The meaning that we assign to money is unique based on our values, history, and experiences. Even though it can be uncomfortable, opening up to our partner about money, what it means to us, what expectations we have, and how we manage it will help prevent conflict and arguments in the future.
You’ll also want to work out the more practical aspects of finances as a couple. Will you have a joint bank account or separate? Who will take the lead in managing the money or paying the bills? How comfortable are you with risk? What are things the two of you would like to save for in the future? There isn’t one right way to manage your money. What works for one couple might not work for another. Talking about it with your partner will help to get both of your expectations in line.
Sex and intimacy
One of the most sacred parts of a romantic relationship is the way the two of you show your love through intimacy and sex. But what intimacy looks like is different for each couple. This can be an awkward conversation to have, but the more honest you are with your partner, the better your connection will be. Think about these questions: what does intimacy mean to you? How do you ask for what you need when it comes to sex? What would make you feel safe to talk about your preferences? Opening up this discussion and creating these guidelines and boundaries for one another will bring you closer together and more likely to achieve what you both desire.
Important rituals and traditions
We all grow up with traditions and rituals that are important to us. Family game night on Sundays, Christmas church services, an annual camping trip with the guys - they’re different for each of us but they all hold meaning. As your relationship grows and develops with your partner, you start to share more and more aspects of your lives with each other. Whether you include your partner in your traditions or just communicate their importance, you should talk about how these rituals are going to fit into your lives as a couple. Talk about expectations around traditions. Where are you going to spend Christmas holidays? Do you plan on having dinner together every night? What kind of activities do each of us prefer doing alone? If your expectations differ or go unmet, that’s when conflict can arise.
There is a deep vulnerability in all of these discussions. When we open ourselves up without knowing what the outcome is, it can be scary. But that’s the beautiful thing about relationships – being vulnerable despite the uncertainty, trusting that this other person cares enough for you to listen and really hear you. Build your relationship on a foundation of openness, authenticity, and respect.
If you’re having trouble starting these conversations, we can help. Learn how couples counselling can help your relationship.
Information for this blog post was provided by Helene Eldegard, registered psychologist. Learn more about our counsellors.