Season 1, Episode 3: Building Assertiveness
On this episode of Living Fully, host Katherine Hurtig talks with registered social worker Diana Izard about ways to express assertiveness, boundaries, and the healthiest ways to communicate. They cover the traits of both passive and aggressive communication, ways to practice and work towards your personal needs, and how to deal with someone who may be testing your comfort zone.
This podcast episode has been adapted from a Facebook Live interview on March 24, 2021. Watch the original Facebook Live discussion.
For bonus information on improving communication in relationships, check out our blog.
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Diana Izard
We also need to be aware of how other people are impacted by us, so we want to tune in not only to our own feelings, but also the feelings and reactions from others to help us gauge where we are on that spectrum of communication.
Katherine Hurtig
Welcome to Living Fully, a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Each episode, we'll bring you insights from our expert counsellors and tips and strategies to improve your mental well-being. I'm your host, Katherine Hurtig. In this episode, we'll be discussing ways to build assertiveness and establish boundaries. To discuss this topic, I reached out to Diana Izard, registered psychologist with Calgary Counselling Centre. Diana talks about different communication styles, how we can incorporate and practice assertiveness in our everyday lives, how to establish boundaries, and much more.
Diana Izard
So we can start with kind of the passive communicator, some cues that you yourself might be a passive communicator or, you know, someone around you might use that communication style is you're the kind of person that kind of defers your opinions or your desires to other peoples. You might have difficulty making decisions. Or maybe be fearful about voicing your opinion. You know the the passive communicator, I think they tend to put other people's needs ahead of their own. And that in itself is not a problem unless it becomes a pattern of behaviour where that person is consistently kind of putting their own needs on the back burner or acting in a way that doesn't really align with their own values. And then that can really have a negative impact.
When we kind of swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and sometimes, passive communicators can come off as aggressive when they don't communicate or express their needs to other people over a long period of time, it kind of becomes bottled up, and then it — we just see a bit of an explosion, so. An aggressive communicator? I mean, what they're really saying is my needs are more important than your own. They can come across as really rigid or hostile. I think aggressive communicators are similar to passive communicators in that they're also not very comfortable expressing themselves. And both of those communication styles, I think people often develop kind of this thought or belief that I'm not going to be able to get my needs met. So, for a passive communicator, they're thinking why bother? It's not important to other people. They won't respond in a way that I want them to. I'm just gonna be passive. Whereas an aggressive communicator might also believe that other people will not listen to their thoughts or opinions, but they instead come across as being like overly demanding and trying to get their needs met that way.
Speaker
Can you kind of describe passive-aggressive?
Diana Izard
For sure, yeah. So that would be someone who kind of you might think about someone giving like, a backhanded compliment is kind of a really good example of being passive aggressive where they're trying to get their needs met or they're trying to communicate something in a way where they're not comfortable being open and saying like this is how I feel and this is what I need. So they’ll kind of go around the back door.
So, for example, you know, saying to your introverted friend when they do come out and join you like, oh, well, wasn't it nice of you to finally join us tonight? That kind of comment where well, I'm giving a compliment. You know, it's nice to see you. But if it's hurtful and we're often using guilt to try to get our needs met when we are be using that passive aggressive communication style, whereas you know that happy middle ground is the person that's assertive, so that someone that has that self-awareness to know if their boundaries are being crossed and then to be able to communicate that appropriately to others in a way that communicates my needs are important, and so are yours. So that person is able to tolerate those differences and you know it's OK if you disagree with me. My world isn't going to come crumbling down. I'm really grounded in what's important to me and what's important to you.
Katherine Hurtig
The way we communicate with other people plays a huge role in the quality of those relationships. Whether we're speaking to a partner, friend, coworker, or family member, ideally, we want the conversations to be respectful and honor the needs of ourselves and the other person. The way we communicate is influenced by a lot of factors our relationships, the way others around us communicate, our attachment style, and many others. There are four basic styles of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.
You kind of touched on this, but if someone is having difficulty being assertive or expressing their feelings, is that a sign of low self esteem?
Diana Izard
I think they can go hand in hand. I think that if we are not being open with others when our boundaries are being crossed, I think that can really lead to poor self esteem. Because that good self esteem, like I said, it's really that byproduct of acting and alignment with our values or you know, making decisions that feel good to us. That's how we feel good about ourselves. And if we're not doing that, you know, we develop those kinds of ideas like, you know, why bother? And no one's going to listen to me anyways. Or that feeling really ineffective and not just compounds low self esteem.
Katherine Hurtig
So on the flip side, if someone you know tends to be more aggressive, what are things that they can do to you lnow transition to be a bit more assertive?
Diana Izard
Starting again, it's self reflection. Right. So noticing you know, what are my own feelings and how can I communicate that on the other half of that, we also need to be aware of how other people are impacted by us. So we want to tune innot only to our own feelings, but also the feelings and reactions from others to help us gauge where we are on that spectrum of communication.
Again, like being mindful that when you're trying to assert yourself that you're staying away from any kind of blaming language is really important. And then another ingredient that I haven't talked about yet is we call like self-regulationkills. So if a boundary is crossed, if we are not very good at recognizing that, it can lead to a lot of anger. And if we're not skilled at managing that anger in reaction to a boundary being crossed, it's easy to be aggressive back.
It's really important to recognize, OK, what is that feeling? If that's anger, I need to ask myself what is underneath of that? Anger is what we call a secondary emotion, so it hides or masks our primary emotions, which would be like fear, sadness, rejection — those underlying feelings. So for the aggressive communicator, I think it's important to be able to look underneath the anger and then practice being more vulnerable and more open with people around you to say, hey, you know, that really hurt me when you said this or when we had that conversation. And this is why that's important to me.
Katherine Hurtig
That's interesting. I had never heard that — that anger is a secondary emotion. Is that always the case, or more often than not?
Diana Izard
Yeah, I would say so. I mean anger, to me, I think it's a really good indicator, perhaps that something is unjust from our perspective. Or that, you know we need to keep ourselves safe. And underneath that, if we look at like what is underneath that need for safety, it's usually because we're feeling vulnerable. And then if we want to look at. What are those pieces? Is it hurt? Sadness, rejection, blame, shame, embarrassment, right? We often cover that up with anger. It's just it's easier to kind of jump to. It's more, in some ways, socially acceptable to put on that front and say, like, well, I'm angry about the situation instead of taking a pause and really communicating how we’re feeling.
Katherine Hurtig
If someone is, you know, generally quite passive, they, you know, find it difficult to voice their opinions and needs, what are some ways that they can, you know, work on becoming more assertive?
Diana Izard
I think number one is becoming really grounded in what is important to you. So, taking a bit of an inventory about like what are my own beliefs and values? so that the passive person knows when it's important to stand up for what's right. And also that person will be less swayed by other people's opinions or reactions if they don't agree with you. So that would be kind of my number one recommendation as a starting point.
And then from there, I think it's important to focus on feelings identification. So what does it feel like in my body when you know someone doesn't listen to me or when a boundary is crossed or if I'm not comfortable with this situation? So I need to be able to clue in, for example if maybe I'm feeling uncomfortable in my body, it can mean a few things. One, if that's kind of like a pit or a sinking feeling in my stomach, is that disappointment? Because I didn't get my way or because someone, you know, acted in a way that I wasn't. Expecting them to. That's a good indicator that a boundary is crossed or it's a good time to be more assertive and speak up and say, hey, like I'm not comfortable with this, you know, recognizing maybe you feel that like tightness in your chest. I often feel that if the boundaries are being crossed and sometimes that's anger. And underneath that it might be a bit of frustration, or I feel powerless in a situation. So again, that's a good time to queue in. OK, what is this physical sensation inviting me to know? And how can I put that into words to communicate that to the other person? And I think like practice is really important.
So just even with small things like I've worked with clients that aren't even comfortable letting the barista know that they got the wrong coffee order. And you know, that's a small thing and it's great. Like, I'm the kind of person that's easy going. It kind of rolls off my back and, you know, it's OK. But I think those small disappointments kind of can add up over time, and that's a really great opportunity for you to flex that assertiveness muscle and say, hey, excuse me, this is not the right coffee. Do you mind remaking it? So we're identifying the problem and we're providing a solution.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, and that's an easy way to practice because if it doesn't turn out the way you want, there's not that emotional connection there.
Diana Izard
Yeah, it's a pretty low-stakes kind of experiment. Exactly, yeah.
Katherine Hurtig
As Diana talked about shifting the way we communicate to a more healthy way, a way that meets our needs and respects others requires self-awareness and that takes practice. If this is an area that you're working on, show yourself compassion as you build this new skill improved. Communication can improve the way we feel about ourselves and the quality of our relationships. It can help you voice your thoughts and get through challenging talks. It can help you develop more lasting connections with others.
What advice would you give to someone if they are practicing being more assertive, you know, with friends or family and they're not receiving, you know, the response that they were hoping for? If they're kind of pushed back to them being assertive?
Diana Izard
Which is really common because especially in families like, we become really connected to the way and the pattern that we engage with each other. So if one person tries to change that system, it can kind of throw everyone off and they're not prepared for that.
So I think you know it's important to have again that self-awareness. So one would be OK, let's just take a step back and reflect how did I word that? Was I really being assertive or, you know, was there tone to my voice that might have been misinterpreted as aggressive? Was I using you or blaming kind of language? It's really important when we're being assertive to focus on the behavior or the situation and not attack the other person. So I would start there. Just a quick self check-in about, you know, how did that come across? But then also just to go back to, you know, reminding yourself, why is it that I'm setting this boundary? Why is this important to me? And so that you're, you know, less likely to be influenced by other people, perhaps trying to guilt or blame or push back in those subtle ways.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. And I guess at the end of the day, it's important to remember that we can only control our own behaviors and responses, and we can't control anyone else’s.
Diana Izard
Exactly. Yeah. And so, you know, that good #1 ingredient for good self-esteem is that you know, recognition that we're acting in a way that aligns with our values. And that's the number one piece, right? Like, you know, making sure that I'm really standing up for what's important to me. And it's OK if other. People you know disagree about that. It's not like a personal attack on me, it's more about the other person.
Katherine Hurtig
So Diana, if we kind of encounter passive or aggressive behavior in someone else, whether that's a friend or a coworker, how would we approach having a conversation and maybe adjusting their behaviour in a constructive way?
Diana Izard
Well I think again, focusing on the situation that you're picking up on. Say you had a meeting with a coworker and there is a disagreement between you both on a set of ideas and you notice that coworker is like maybe avoiding you or. There you feel like there's that tension there. I think being open and honest and saying, hey, I just noticed that in this meeting you and I didn't agree together. And I, you know, since then, I've noticed that it's been harder for us to have a conversation. I just want to know what's going on. I think it takes that vulnerability for you to notice. Like you know something up and then modeling that to the other person.
Katherine Hurtig
You've been listening to Living Fully a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Thank you for tuning in. This episode was produced by Luiza Campos, Amelia Hawley, Eric Tanner and by me, Katherine Hurtig. If you or a loved one is struggling with an emotional issue, you don't have to deal with that alone. All Albertans can access counselling through Calgary Counselling Centre and Counselling Alberta. There's no waitlist or financial barriers. Find us online calgarycounselling.com or counsellingalberta.com. The conversation within this podcast was streamed on Calgary Counselling Centre’s Facebook page. To listen to these conversations live, be sure to check us out and like us on Facebook. To get the latest news and updates on our episodes, be sure to subscribe. We’re available wherever you find podcasts. Living Fully is a production of Calgary Counselling Centre and recorded in Calgary from our offices on Treaty 7 territory. Living Fully podcast is not a substitute or alternative for professional care or treatment. If you need help, please go to calgarycounselling.com or call 833-827-4229. Calgary Counselling Centre and Counselling Alberta provide effective counselling with no waitlist and no financial barriers anywhere in Alberta. For help across Canada and the United States, call 211. If you are outside of Canada and the US, you should seek help from your General Medical practitioner. Visit depressionhurts.ca For more information. Description text goes here