Imagine a garden…

Now, imagine that garden is you. Think about the blooming flowers and luscious grass that makes it beautiful. Around your garden, there is a fence. The fence helps protect the garden and stops people from coming in and out. The fence is at the perfect height - you can still see over the fence and talk to other people who are in their own gardens. There’s a gate in the fence with a little door that’s locked with a key. You’re the only one who has access to the key, so you can decide who comes in and out of your garden.

The fence is a healthy boundary. If you have no fence, people can come in and out of your garden as they please. They can pick your flowers, plant their own flowers, and even drive over your garden. Your grass then ends up getting dry, your flowers die, and you feel exhausted trying to maintain your garden.

What are boundaries and why do they matter?

Like the garden fence analogy above, a boundary is like a fence around your garden of self. It defines the edges of what’s acceptable to you and what is not, ensuring your emotional landscape remains vibrant and flourishing. Essentially, boundaries are a way of protecting your mental and emotional well-being and communicating to others what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do.

Setting boundaries can feel like a daunting task, as they can be challenging to communicate. Many of us have felt the nervousness that arises when we try to talk about our limits and expectations with others.

However, setting healthy boundaries doesn’t have to be difficult. There are many tools you can use to help make the process easier, and you’re probably already setting more boundaries than you think. They can be as simple as agreeing to lock the door behind you when you leave or come home, agreeing to stay faithful in a romantic relationship, or prioritizing time for yourself.

Boundaries are both a way of protecting your mental health as well as crucial for supporting healthy relationships. Boundaries don’t separate people or cause tension; instead, they can help clarify and strengthen your relationships.

Healthy boundaries foster healthier, more authentic relationships. They encourage you to honor your needs while respecting yourself and others. The ability to show and communicate your boundaries is an essential skill that deepens your connections and increases your self-esteem.

Setting and communicating boundaries

Consider the scenario where a partner’s behaviour crosses a line and causes you hurt or fear. A healthy boundary would involve communicating your feelings, calmly expressing how their actions were hurtful to you, and establishing that that kind of behaviour is unacceptable to you.

Introducing a new boundary requires assertive, yet respectful communication. First, you need to take time and reflect on what your boundaries are, and why. What are you willing to take and what aren’t you willing to take? Having a clear understanding of what your own limits are and why you have them, makes it easier to communicate them with others.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs and follow up with a clear and practical request. Some boundaries can be flexible, so try and collaborate to find solutions that work for both parties. If pushback occurs, reinforce your boundary with the understanding that it’s about respect. If someone continues to disregard your boundaries after you’ve talked to them about how it makes you feel, let them know what the consequences of those actions will be. Pay attention to your emotions. If you’re feeling unheard, compromised, or irritated, it may be a sign of boundary issues. Respectful relationships of all kinds need to show consideration for your limits and needs.

The importance of boundaries in relationships

Boundaries play an important role in keeping the health of our relationships. They serve multiple purposes including:

• Protection: Boundaries act as your emotional armour, shielding you from potentially harmful or toxic behaviour.

• Differentiation: They help you distinguish your individual identity within a relationship, preventing you from becoming entrapped or losing your sense of self.

• Clarification: Boundaries communicate your needs and expectations, making it easier for others to understand and respect your desires. If the people around you aren’t aware of what your limits are, it can lead to conflict.

• Prevention: Having well-defined boundaries protects you from being taken advantage of or manipulated in relationships.

• Guidance: Boundaries provide a roadmap for navigating interactions and managing expectations within a relationship.

• Confidence: Communicating your boundaries empowers you and increases your self-assurance. When you’re able to communicate your needs, you feel more secure and confident in your relationships.

Remember, you hold the key to deciding the right balance of flexibility and firmness for your boundaries. Check in with your emotions, and change your boundaries as needed. For more information on how to set healthy boundaries and how it can help your relationships, listen to our Living Fully podcast episode, If you find you’re still struggling with boundary setting, reaching out for extra support might be beneficial. We have counsellors who are here and ready to help – learn more about our services.

Information for this blog post was provided by registered psychologist, Curtis Bader and registered social worker, Anna Hemens. Learn more about our counsellors.