Being in a loving relationship, having someone to talk to, to lean on and to enjoy life with is wonderful but it’s important that neither partner becomes excessively reliant emotionally on the other. At the beginning of many relationships, couples typically go through the “honeymoon phase” where you think about your partner all the time and you always want to be with them – that's completely normal. But if those feelings become all-consuming, it could be a sign of a codependent relationship.

When you’re in a codependent relationship, you’re obsessively preoccupied with your partner, constantly thinking about them, and fearful of being without them. You believe your happiness is dependent on them and you think you can’t handle life without them.

Codependency is unhealthy. It can impact other relationships in your life because your time and attention are focused on that one person. It impacts your self-esteem because the way you see yourself is based on how your partner sees you and you’re not able to set healthy boundaries or take care of yourself because you’re so focused on your partner.

Signs of a codependent relationship

Some signs of a codependent relationship can include:

• Taking responsibility for your partner’s feelings or actions

• Feeling at fault if your partner is upset with you, even if you’re not

• Feeling emotionally and physically drained

• Unable to care for your own well-being

Risk factors of a codependent relationship

Some people may be more susceptible to codependency than others, including those who have experienced abuse and/or addiction, and those who possess certain character traits.

Abuse:

If you have experienced abuse before and you now have a partner who is manipulative or emotionally abusive, you may feel like your actions can have negative consequences. So, you put your partner’s needs before your own and you may think twice about any action you take.

Addiction:

If your parents struggled with addiction while you were growing up, you may have had a lack of stability in your life. This can lead to codependency as a child and later on as an adult in other relationships. You may have a fear of abandonment and look for safety, so you’re willing to sacrifice whatever you need to get that in a relationship.

Character traits:

If you have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, you're more likely to do whatever you can to meet your partner’s needs and sacrifice your own.

If you have trouble coping with life’s stresses, you might not be able to set boundaries, so you might have a hard time saying no to your partner.

If you’re the type of person who wants to take care of people, you may be more likely to become codependent. Instead of thinking about what you need, you think about what your partner needs.

Getting help

If you’re in a codependent relationship, counselling can help. A counsellor can help you find where your beliefs about relationships come from. They can also help you find ways to become less codependent, including:

• Building your self-confidence

• Working on your insecurities and fears

• Setting healthy boundaries

Learning how to put your needs first

If you think you’re more likely to be codependent, try to set boundaries early on in your relationship. Make time for your friends and family – don't cancel plans with them to spend time with your partner. Keep doing the things you enjoy doing, and don’t let the relationship be your everything. It’s important to maintain your own identity in the relationship; your partner is not the only thing you need in your life.

If you think you’re in a codependent relationship, don’t lose hope – reach out for help. A counsellor can help you get to the root of the problem. They can also help you learn how to build up your self-esteem and set boundaries so that you can care for your own well-being.

Information for this blog was provided by registered social worker, Anna Hemens. Learn more about our counsellors.